Days Go By

There is a fair amount of life that happens when one travels 1,300 miles in three days. When I took on the nablopomo challenge of 'routine' I also knew that a life that was almost void of routine for the entire month would make this a challenge. I don't feel badly for the days that I missed posting here, nor do I want enough days to go by that there is too much to catch up and gaps in the recording of my life become gaping holes with only my somewhat questionable memory to fill them.

To begin with, my girls are excellent travelers. Having made this trip every year of their lives, and never even once by plane, they know the route and the routine. None of us love it, but we also do not want it to be something that is merely endured. We stopped at the rest area just west of the Tennessee River and Nickajack lake this time and spent about 30 minutes looking, picture taking, finding fungus (the girls latest obsession) and on the whole just enjoying a good stretch. We picked a good day to travel, it wasn't terribly warm and we started early enough that by lunch time, and the heat of the day, we were already at Grandma's.

Arrival in Nasville heralded the onset of a cool front which made the temperatures entirely delicious. We enjoyed the park, catching fireflies, eating outside and dodging dogs. The weather back home has been unbearable even for Florida, stiflingly hot and unendingly rainy. To be where the air is cool, crisp and clear and sky blue has been a delight. The stop in Nashville was short; I tried to sleep often to be rested for the second leg.

Our second leg of the journey was made infinitely more enjoyable by making a long leisurely stop at the home of long time friend. Miss Jane has been my friend for quite some time but last year was the first time we met face to face. I will always be so glad that I took the time to travel the few short miles off my path to do so. I could go on and on about the delightful food and her sweet and amazing children (I met her oldest for the first time this year and can only say that I hope when my children are grown they turn out as well) or her kind and courageous husband, but what is best about about visiting with Jane is simply the comfort and joy that comes from being the presence of a true and trusted friend. Though our homes are far apart, we have shared a lot of life over the course of seven years: births and deaths, joys and sorrows, hopes and fears and dreams and all the things that make up close relationships. So just getting to sit and be with someone who knows, to talk about nothing of consequence and laugh with abandon is a welcome balm. It was a fantastic afternoon which ended all too quickly.

Arriving at our destination was bittersweet. This is our first time here since Grandma passed in May. No one is in the house but us and there is a palpable emptiness. The furniture remains, the lake is just as lovely and wonderful and welcoming. Most things are just as they were when she left for the last time in the spring, and yet not. We drove by the church where her service was held, and I nearly wept again hearing strains of Amazing Grace my aunt played on the bag pipes, as the church doors opened to a chilly overcast day My brothers and cousins loading her coffin into the hearse. So much of my life, so many memories are tied up in this place. I am grateful to be able to come back here still, to share it with my own children, to be in a place a little more slow and removed from the rest of the world.

Days go by, and they string together as pearls of a lifetime each one as beautiful as we choose to make it. I pray that mine is long, and of priceless worth.

Thoughts Before Leaving - A Thursday 13

*This has been the easiest prep yet. Woot for organization.

*Totally excited about traveling with no back seat. No luggage worries.

*Seeing the dumb dog in a life jacket may be the highlight of my summer.

*My books are packed in a suitcase. They are the only thing in the suitcase. Pathetic, I know.

*Hoping to get throught the trip with no puking

*or dogs running away in an Atlanta suburb

*Gas is almost $1 less/ gallon this year than last.

*I can't wait to visit Miss Jane in Indiana!!!

*And Bedky and Ashley on the way back!

*I also plan to keep exercising with by walking and swimming.

*I plan to eat lots of yummy food as well.

*I have quite a bit of yarn traveling with me. It travels light.

*Books, yarn, art supplies and a hot man by the lake. Who needs more?

Very tired. Leaving at 3am because it is so FREAKING HOT here all the time. I want to be somewhere before the afternoon heat slays us.

See you on the flip side.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - Wordless Wednesday

Because in Pirate language, it's "ARRRRRR" not "arrrrrrrG"!

Making Progress

I suppose it was inevitable that a day of blogging would be missed this month. Maybe even two days. With the Hunky home priorities shift and change. Things are forgotten or delayed or sometimes just ignored, but then inevitably most things tumble back into their normal routines and we move forward again. So, I am returning to write. Letting go of days gone and continuing to record my days and my ways as though no time were missed.

That's progress.

I did manage to have my annual total meltdown. Hunky is less fun to fight with anymore, which is good as I never liked fighting anyway. He also raises the accurate point that no matter what he does, I will always be somewhat at odds with his job. Also true. In the end, no angry words were exchanged, and we've left the angst in the dust with only a modicum of uncomfortable moments, and both, I believe, feeling heard and understood. There isn't always a right and wrong side. Sometimes life is frustrating. It's better to have a partner to share with rather than a combatant to vanquish,

That's progress.

Vacation time looms. We're at the 72 hour mark for departure, and I am strangely calm. I tend to mark progress on all things homemaking by how I prepare for long departures and guest arrivals. I had guests in last week for a dinner and there was very little sound or fury in having the house presentable for their arrival. By the same token, Friday's departure is immenent, but my main concern is putting clothes in suicases. For all intents and purposes, once we mow the grass we can move on outta here. Not spending an entire week working sun-up to sundown cleaning house and organizing is nice.

That's progress.

I bought a bathing suit - quite literally the most hated and uncomfortable thing I have to do each year. It's another set of moments where I am not quite as manly as I claim to be and in fact, am very stereotypically female. I'm tired of being that way and hating the mirror. Too much energy is lost lamenting something that only I can do something about. I've been exercising regularly for about three weeks now and have determined that in one year I am going to LIKE the person I see in the mirror. One year is very, very reasonable. My scale is still in the garage.

That's progress

Most of my school items are ordered for the fall. I have skeleton plans in place for the entire school year. I'm excited. The kids are actually excited (they are more excited about getting to the lake, but then, so am I ). When we return from Naked Week at the condo, we'll be ready to launch into next year with very little angst or anxiety. I love that. I also decided to lengthen two items rather than cram them in before we leave. We have worked hard this summer.

That's progress

As a recovering perfectionist it's hard not to become impatient when the finished product isn't finished..or perfect. I commented on my soul sistah's blog earlier that one of life's greatest rewards was fast visual progress. And so it is for me. But I am finding that many of life's great battles simply don't resolve themselves in instant picture perfect solutions. In fact, the only way to track any movement whatsoever is to note the small steps taken. Added up over time it is these steps that make great journeys.

That's progress

Other Stuff I've Been Reading

I spent a fair amount of time last week weeding through the ol' Google reader. I;ve been trying to do a better job of connecting with the people I do read and being distracted by blogs that aren't part of a personal relationship, just go unread for weeks on end (something I would never do), aren't pertinent, or weren't even active anymore. The end result is that I have spent a good deal of time reading, learning and enjoying blogs again. I thought I would share some of them with you:

*Ann Voskamp writes a wonderful series on spiritual journaling. I see my drawing and better journaling practice joining together very soon

*Unconventional Living and chasing your passion are subjects that are very pertinent to my life right now. I love these stories.

*Kris climbed into my head and wrote my heart in her blog entry about words

*Beth talked about the common misconception of Lost Time

*Rhonda captured my thoughts about my own home better than I ever could myself

*Ann discussed the pro's and con's of super speed "relationships" on twitter

All these and so many more good things are out there on the web, I'll never read it all, but it's fun to share the really good stuff.

Just Another Rainy Day

I'm rather over the weather this summer. It rains and it rains and it rains and it rains. In six days we pull out of this joint, and I'm ready. Ready for a change, ready for some place new, ready for new faces, ready to shed my public persona and just stretch out in my skin for a bit. Ready, ready, ready for six weeks of school free, obligation free sometimes clothing free fun.

But first, before I count the days and make the lists and travel the miles and ..and ... and...first I have roughly one hundred and forty four hours to wallow in this

I plan to make the very most of it.

On Sacrifice

Yesterday was a day that I hate being a girl. Seriously, the mercurial hormonal status of women makes me CRAZY. I have no patience with it in dealing with other people and I absolutely abhor it when my uterine side makes itself so blatently apparent in my own attitudes. Just take the girl plumbing and slap in some testicles, and I will be a happy girl. (Somewhere Hunky is shuddering and retching and he doesn't even know why, though I have told him often that I am so ready for my "set"). Nevertheless, summer seems to be the time I struggle most. Often times in retrospect, I can see where spiritual warfare plays a big role in things. Yesterday ended with the Arizona team (including Hunky) baptizing nine Native Americans after a week at camp. Coincidentally (or, you know, NOT) I was an utter physical and emotional mess yesterday, and you know who my go-to guy is on days like that....and if I can just ruffle and distract him enough so that he is thinking of me and not his calling....well, you see where this all goes in the world of what-if. (I have mentioned I hate being a girl, right? Because man do we know the buttons to push to get the hubby off his game-stupid STUPID girl crap).

Anyway, I've blathered on about hormones and emotions and plumbing to say this. Summer is a serious sacrifice for my family. I have a very hard time not being resentful. I try very hard to focus on the spiritual aspect of the sacrifice. It's hard to whine and be selfish in light of nine souls, ya know? It's hard though. It seems mortality and the brevity of life slaps me in the face every time I turn around. I am jealous of the days and weeks that I lose with the other half of my heart. Perhaps it's selfish; I don't really know. I only know that that is the truth of my life. My Lord tells me I have to let him go; my heart tells me it's simply robbery. I am at war with myself.

I've made another "sacrifice" in my life that further complicates things. Ten years ago, Craig and I made a decision that I would stay home with our children. It was crazy then. It's crazy now. The only explanation I have for where we are now is God's provision, His faithful reward for our obedience. I am being completely honest when I say there is literally not one thing this world has to offer that would make me regret that decision. It does, however, mean that while Craig's calling may be hither and yon over the country all summer long, my calling is to be right here with the family to whom I am firmly convenanted. It doesn't make life easier when people question all summer why I don't go, why I can't go (someone actually had the nerve to say to me this summer that "It's not like I actually have a job to keep me from going" ) as though I am not only somehow shirking responsibility, but that I am doing it as a personal insult to them and their children, or whatever youth it may be that Hunky is ministering to that week. It's these thoughtless comments that accumulate over the summer months until what I want most to do is simply hide away at home with the blinds closed.

It is the hardest thing I find in dealing with people, this lack of thought or consideration of what it means to me and my children to continually be saying goodbye to the man in our life, of how much we miss him, of the hole it leaves in our lives and our hearts while he serves the very people who say these thoughtless things. I continually tell God that I think He made a mistake in putting me in this position, and so I believe it, except that I am still here. By myself. Because it is the choice I have made, and the sacrifice that is required. If it didn't hurt it wouldn't be sacrifice.

Mamma Said

Mamma said there'd be days like this. There'd be days like this my Mamma said.

I find it funny (not ha-ha funny, cruel irony funny) that days like this come WHAM out of nowhere and bite me in the... well, you get the picture.

There's so many things I am trying to do. things I want to change, and sadly all it takes is one bad day to really send me into a tailspin. So I battle. I try to carefully weigh every word to ensure the edges aren't too sharp and cut young souls. Every response is laden with a tangle of irritabilities to sort through before it reaches the surface. Everything feels hard, everything feels wearing. I second guess every word I say and every word spoken to me.

I don't like myself and everyone else is only a half step above that.

I wish I knew if it was hormones, or health, spiritual attack or emotions. I wish it were as simple a situation as pinpointing one and flipping the switch that turns it off. I hate wishing away a day because it seems so very heavy, and I can't stand myself in it.

So I carefully walk through a landmine. More often than not I fail and the fallout is yet another thing to deal with. I paste on my smile and grit my teeth. I try not to let Ought and the expectation of others be the straw that breaks my back.

On the Menu for this Evening

Beautiful company

Scintillating conversation

Raucous laughter

Intuited understanding

Genuine comfort

Personal details

Inspiring gifts

and there was food:

Black Bean & Mushroom Enchiladas

• 1 large carton mushrooms
• 2 cans black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 green pepper, cut into julienne strips
• 1 small can green chilies, chopped and drained
• 6 flour tortilla shells
• 1 jar enchilada sauce
• 8 ounces Monterey jack cheese, shredded

Wash and slice the mushrooms. In a little bit of cooking oil, sauté the mushrooms in a skillet until soft. Add black beans and stir, continuing to cook for 5-10 minutes. Remove from pan and set aside. In the same pan, add more oil and sauté onion and green pepper until soft. Add canned green chilies and continue to cook for 5 minutes. Spray a baking dish with cooking oil and pour enough enchilada sauce to just cover the bottom. To assemble the enchiladas, pour a little bit of enchilada sauce on a large dinner plate. Place a tortilla shell on the plate and distribute a little bit of sauce over both sides of the tortilla shell. Place a scoop of the black bean mushroom mixture on the tortilla, then a scoop of the pepper onion mixture, then half a handful of shredded cheese. Roll up the tortilla shell and place in the bottom of a baking dish. Repeat with the rest of the ingredients. Pour remaining enchilada sauce over the rolled enchiladas. Cover with foil and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes or until bubbling at the edges. Uncover, sprinkle more Monterey jack cheese on top and continue baking for 15 minutes. Serve with a dollop of sour cream and chopped, fresh cilantro.

Spanish Rice Recipe

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons olive oil (can use up to 1/4 cup)
1 onion, chopped fine
1 garlic clove, minced
2 cups of medium or long-grain white rice
3 cups* chicken stock (or vegetable stock if vegetarian)
1 heaping tablespoon tomato paste or 1 cup of diced fresh or cooked tomatoes, strained
Pinch of oregano
1 teaspoon salt

*Check the instructions on the rice package for the proportions of liquid to rice. They can range from 1:1 to 2:1. If your rice calls for 2 cups of water for every cup of rice, then for this recipe, use 4 cups of stock for 2 cups of rice.

METHOD

1 In a large skillet brown rice in olive oil, medium/high heat. Add onion and garlic. Cook onion rice mixture, stirring frequently, about 4 minutes, or until onions are softened.

2 In a separate sauce pan bring stock to a simmer. Add tomato sauce, oregano, and salt. Add rice to broth. Bring to a simmer. Cover. Lower heat and cook 15-25 minutes, depending on the type of rice and the instructions on the rice package. Turn off heat and let sit for 5 minutes.

Serves 4 to 6.

Lemon Mousse

Ingredients

• 2 packages lemon instant pudding
• Milk, amount depends on pudding brand, check panel on box
• 2 cups heavy cream, whipped
• 2 rounded tablespoons sugar
• 1/2 pint raspberries, for garnish
• Store bought butter cookies or shortbread rounds

Directions

In a medium bowl, stir pudding and milk and set aside. Beat whipping cream and sugar until peaks form. Add about 1/4 of the whipped cream to the pudding and gently fold it in to lighten it. Fold the remaining whipped cream into pudding and serve in small bowls or cocktail glasses on an underliner plate. Place a few berries on each dessert to garnish and serve a few cookies on the underliner plates.

On Noise

It has recently been brought to my attention that I am odd. Obviously, the thought had crossed my mind before but it had never occured to me that this particular behavior is odd. I like quiet...no, correction, I like silence. I like to sit in it, revel in it, celebrate it...all silently. Not just a few minutes of silence either. Hours of it. I like to pile hours of silence on top of me like a warm blanket and snuggle in. Sometimes I occupy the silence by reading, but even that steals a little away from the joy of silence. What I like to do in silence is just....be. Sometimes this involves thinking, sometimes praying, but most often what it involves is unraveling. Finding something to do with my hands (such as knitting or crocheting) helps me to center and then I let my brain go. And go it does, wherever it wants. Sometimes it ponders over problems, sometimes it fondly remembers, sometimes it flips through pictures and images. It plans; it hopes; it dreams. It stretches and breathes and after awhile it lets my soul take over and then, well, then all is right with myself.

I didn't realize how unpopular silence is until my oddity was brought to my attention. I did some research and apparently, silence makes people uncomfortable. Silence when in a room with a person is ( I love the irony here) disquieting, silence when alone in a place, unheard of. I love technology as much as the next guy, but I don't always want my phone or my ipod or my computer or my TV making noise at me. I want to turn everything off and let the unimportant dross rise to the surface so I can skim it off and be rid of it. Silence calms me, recharges me, soothes me and too long without a substantial period of silence leaves me drained, irritable and jumbled.

I am blessed that on an average day, I talk with my children five or more hours. I talk with my husband two to three hours, or more. I talk to friends, acquiantences, sometimes total strangers for any length of time about any number of subjects. I talk about things of importance and total nonsense. I make appointments, instruct, counsel, advice, entertain, inform, correct, rebuke, curse and cajole. But most days, by the end of it, I feel like the green guy at the top of the page. All the input just pounds on my head because everything is full. The only solution: silence.

However, I find that silence is hard to come by in this world. I have to actively seek it, make time for it, be aware of each opportunity for silence as it presents itself. We live in a culture that bombards with constant noise, distraction and disruption, and we have come to believe that if we aren't right in the midst of it at all times - always ready to answer the call, always with our finger on the pulse, always up-to-date to the very minute - that somehow, we have failed. The reality is that if I were silent, and withdrew to a silent place forever, the world would go on without even a moment's pause. That's not what I plan to do, but it helps me gain perspective over my own importance and my own impact.

I encourage you to seek silence. If it makes you uncomfortable, start small. Take five minutes. Don't play music. Don't take your phone. Don't wear your watch. Just breath. Breath and let yourself wander. Don't plan what's next as soon as you get done with this silent thing. Just enjoy it. Breath in. Breath out. Be.

Silent.

True silence is the rest of the mind. It is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. William Penn.

Be still and know that I am God. Ps 46:10

The Moratorium

Consider this to be a little side note, an addendum, if you will, to the blogging experience for July. Yesterday I reorganized our linen closet, a closet that is used not so much for linens as for books. That is correct, we have EIGHT bookcases of various heights and sizes in the house, and we are using the linen closet for extra space. And honestly, there's a lot of books on those shelves that I have not read.

I hereby and therefore decree that for one year I will not buy a new book, beginning July 1st, 2009 and continuing until July 1st 2010. Furthermore, I will read books from my own shelves and upon finishing them, give at least one in every five books away to someone else whose linen closet is barren of reading material. Exceptions to this moratorium are as follows: library books may still be enjoyed. School books for the girls do not fall under this contract. Gifts, as always, are accepted even under the moratorium.

I really hope amazon doesn't go out of business as a result of this.

Eigenzeit #1

In my head I had a great big giant beautiful blog to write, but you know what. I'm tired. I "ought" to write it, but instead I jotted down the main points and decided to end the week with this:

It's been a very good week. I feel like it's been a very long time since I have had the desire or the ability, in light of my attitude, to say that sentence. I don't like having lost those opportunities of grace and gratefulness, but I can't change the past. Instead,

• I am continuing to stop and breathe multiple times throughout the day.
• I am remembering to laugh often and deeply.
• I am taking control of time and designing it to fit my needs instead of chasing behind it in some mad race towards nothing.
• I am finding passion.
• I am setting goals and being forgiving if those goals take longer than expected.
• I am anticipating and excited about the days ahead.
• I am reconnecting with friends.

These are all good things in which I take extreme pleasure. I've changed from my focus from a strangle hold on the goal to a pleasurable expectation of making the journey. What a delightful journey it is going to be.

As I journey through this week, I have some things on which I truly want (not need, not ought, but WANT to focus on)

1. Getting in a regular practice of yoga time
2. Healthy meal plans without constantly running to the store
3. Five full days of Home educating. We have 10 days until our six-week break and there are two things I would like to finish before that time.
4. Continued purging and training the girls to help with the household. A trip to Goodwill is in the very near future
5. Begin my personal Bible study that will take me through August. Disciple starts August 25th.
6. Be aware of complaing. Day 1 of Complaint Free Living starts tomorrow morning!

It's good to start a week feeling both happy with my choices and excited to keep moving forward. I am content.

My week in pictures - June 29-July 4th

I got reacquianted with my old nemesis

whilst the girls stuffed their faces at "Belly Buster Monday" at the ball field

Our final day studying Linean classification lapbooks graces us with the world's coolest fungi in the front yard

an impromptu fancy pants breakfast for no reason at all (this time really no reason)

friends came over for lunch and a new skill was acquired

Nothing special happened Thursday. No one important had a birthday and there wasn't any pie.

Three girls and one goofy dog celebrate the 4th with a National Treasure Marathon

Passion

(Arizona Mts in July. Photo taken TODAY by hunky to taunt me that he is in the place where my heart goes when it's not at the beach or buried in a good book or lost in his swoony blue eyes, which, incidentally, are with him driving down this road RIGHT NOW and not here for me to swoon in)

Yesterday was not a special occasion at our house. I tried to make it so, but I couldn't do it without directly counteracting the wishes of the person I so desired to celebrate. However, today is also not a special day AND a certain someone is over two thousand miles away, sooooooooo today I will blog about my Hunky who had a birthday yesterday.

I believe that there are people in this world who burn so brightly that they almost seem larger than life. They simmer with passion that flashes and churns just beneath the surface, making you wonder if getting close will make it possible to absorb a portion of that feeling or whether it will simply consume you in some sort of glorious conflagration.

I can tell you from experience it is both, and both are equally as amazing.

It has been both my privilege and my pleasure to be part of my husband's transformation into just such a person. It is rare to encounter someone so sure of his mission (even when he isn't as sure of the method) or who pours himself out so completely to see it accomplished. There are times when simply watching him takes my breath away, and at these moments I can only give thanks to the One who knit our lifetimes together in such a way.

It is impossible to spend so much life entwined with this level of magnetism without it generating complementary passions in me. Being married to Hunky narrows my focus, calms my insecurities and magnifies the best things in me. It reflects out of me as well, illuminating the people and things around me in a way that alone would seem dim and insignificant.

It's been a life of surprise, heartache, joy, change, frustration, clarity, adventure and exhaustion, but above all it is a passionate life, which for me is a treasure greatly to desired.

Happy Nothing Special about Today, Babe. Thank you for being my passion. I love you.

The Demon Ought

In yesterday's post I made a reference to the demon Ought. It's a fine line that I haven't entirely sorted out between honoring our obligations and worshipping the god of what we "ought" to do, or who we "ought" to be. I won't even begin to list the things I "ought" to do according to cultural expectations, world expectations, community expectations and yes, even church expectations (a great article on how many things Christians "ought" to be doing can be found here). It's no wonder that so many people are hopeless in the face of insurmountable odds. Sisyphus had a better chance of success than we do when looking only at one category, but we keep gamely trying because we are certain that if it's what we "ought" to do, there has to be a way to do it all, do it well, and do it before bedtime.

Ought is a dangerous demon to listen to because we focus so hard and so solely on his voice that we fail to hear another, gentler voice. If you listen closely you can hear it now. It's sweetly singing, "my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Life wasn't meant to be lived under the smothering weight of Ought. We were created to be free of all of that. The difficulty lies in the fact that stepping out of ought's shadow puts you right in the light, and people are going to notice. And what's more, they aren't going to understand or approve of your choice.

I've made a number of tough choices this year. I've had to tune out many voices, some of them voices that are true and trusted friends, and try to discern only the One voice telling me what I and I alone am created for. These things are my true obligations. There are so many things in the this world, many good things, many GOD things but even many of those God things, while I may occasionally participate in them, are not what I was created for. If I could do all things then I wouldn't need a community to be part of, or a husband to partner with. I wouldn't have borne babies to be trained into child slaves....err.....children with chores. I am meant to be dependant on others and I am not meant to do everything there is to do, not even every good thing there is to do.

The demon Ought is destroyer. He wants my attention, all of it. He wants to tell me how I ought to look, what I ought to wear, what I ought to read, who I ought to hang out with, what I ought to be eating, how I ought to spend my money, what ministries I ought to be involved with, how long my quiet time ought to be, where I ought to serve. So many, many things I ought to do.

I can think of another group that burdened people with Ought. We call them the Pharisees. Some 600 extra rules were loaded on the people of God in order that they might not come close to sinning. So many oughts, so little time. Christ makes it so simple:

He said, love the Lord your God with all your passion, all your prayer, all your muscle and all your intelligence--and love your neighbor as well as you do yourself. Luke 10:27

God is my measure, my portion, my plumbline. Where He tells me to stand, I will stand. Where He tells me I am not to go, I will not go. Where He leads me I will follow. This is my calling, my holy obligation, my sole responsibility.

Everything else is Ought.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be absolutely free. John 8:6

You shall have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:3

Let heaven and earth be my witnesses against you this day that I have put before you life and death, a blessing and a curse: so take life for yourselves and for your seed: Deut. 30:19

The Blog That Almost Wasn't

Back in December (or was it November?) I joined the NABLOPOMO challenge, which really did jumpstart my blogging for awhile. Then life happened and what not, hubby had surgery and was in a constant infected state, two mission trips, two Bible studies, my Grandmother died, an intimate friendship was ended abruptly and painfully, we got flooded out of the house, and I did what I always do: I sounded the retreat.

I've been contemplating my response to stress a great deal this week. Is it good? Is it bad? I don't know. It is how I survive. I pull in. I gather around me the people on whom I can lean and trust. I narrow my focus to a precious few priorities, and I puuuush forward. I sometimes regret that I am not a more intentional and consistent blogger, by the same token, I have decided that I am no longer going to be a slave to the demon "Ought." I ought to blog more regularly only if I am blogging for folk who care more for my product than my person (I'm not fooling myself that there are an overwhelming number of those, believe me). But I do often miss blogging. It does have value and an important dimension in my life. I do miss the catharsis of writing my thoughts when I go into retreat mode.

When this months nablopomo theme of "Routine" was announced, it intrigued me but at the same time I wondered how it could apply to me when in essence what I believe I am seeking to do is to overturn a great number of habits and thought patterns, behaviors and escapes that have kept me from engaging with and even truly enjoying life as it happens. I considered whether it would be futile to attempt to follow a theme that seems contrary to my plan of deconstruction. Then I thought of the passage in Matthew 12 with the demon who is cast out, only to return and find a clean empty space that had more than enough room for he and seven of his friends to move in. I do wish to empty out and overhaul, but at the same time, if I don't take the time to rebuild with healthy routines the spaces I have cleared, then I clear for nothing.

So we'll consider this month a journey. A journey in which I cease to be constantly attempting to use my time wisely by constantly filling it with busyness and tasks, to a life where my time is used wisely by filling it with joy and well invested leisure. There will be a great deal of letting go. There will be a great deal of trial and error. There will be some angst. There will be some royal screw ups. But the three days in which I have become more intentionally focused, have been three very tiring, extremely rewarding ones. I do not want to lose what ground I have gained, but the only way to accomplish that is to continually focus and refocus on the thing I desire: a simple, slow life.

Routines will play an important role in that. It's time to make some new ones.

Do you not see that in a running competition all take part, but only one gets the reward? So let your minds be fixed on the reward. 1Cor 9:24

Wordless Wednesday

the hope of a new day peeks through my window