I blogged a song yesterday:
10,000 stones hanging deep in my heart
No I don't know how they don't tear me apart
How could I ever believe
10,000 stones would save the fool in me
10,000 stones would be a strange blessing
10,000 stones would build the best of me
I love the lyrics of the song because they do so eloquently express where I am now, and bring me around, at last, to writing about my theme for the year:
Time has passed, mistakes were made (and repeated), and buried, and wrestled and dealt with, and all that remains is what I will make of all the many things that have happened, both good and bad (and isn't this the case with all of us at any stage?). I have several options, but what I know is this, if I do not obey and allow what happens in my life to mold my character then everything that came to this point is wasted.
Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the LORD promised on oath to your ancestors. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. Deut 8:1-9
Character is shaped by obedience. Obedience is irrevocably tied to blessing. I want the blessing therefore I must allow God to shape my character to be the person He led me here to be.
It's humbling and hard and daunting and scary. I still battle a lot of demons. I don't trust most people from my recent past, almost at all. I wrestle with disappointed expectations. I get mad still. I rage for justice--yes still, but these are things that shouldn't be. They can't remain because they are the weight of ten thousand stones. If I let them stay long enough, they will crush me. So every morning I wake up, and I hand my black and shriveled little heart over to my Abba. He holds it in His hands and warms it. He breathes life into it and bathes it with His tears and fills it with His Spirit, and then we go out in the world and I try my very best to let Him be what people see rather than that mangled up mess I handed over.
Some days are better than others.
But one way or another, God is going to build me into the most amazing person. I know this because the model on which He bases His work is beautiful beyond description. He's going to take those stones and instead of throwing them at me in punishment, He's going to raise up an alter to Himself...a symbol that in this place is the presence of the Almighty God.
A strange blessing, a rescue from the fool in me.....building the very best of me.