2.21.2011

Am I Satisfied?

 I woke up this morning disjointed and disheartened after an unsettling dream about a visit back to Florida (I blame hunky for talking about feeling Florida sick, a feeling I seldom feel unless missing the beach counts...I'd be just as happy about the beach in Savannah). This coming hard on the heels of learning that another Sis has died - overcome by the ravages of cancer.  There is no coffee in my day, my stomach is already growling and breakfast is a culinary feat that I haven't faced yet, and I may have to maim the dog.

Yesterday Mike preached from Psalm 119:

Because you have satisfied me, God, I promise to do everything you say.
This morning I am left staring at that bald faced statement.  You have satisfied me.

Am I satisfied?
Am I satisfied when the house is a wreck and there's no dinner in sight at the end of a very long day?
Am I satisfied when my reputation is shattered into no fewer pieces than my life?
Am I satisfied when week after week I hear of, pray for and weep over the countless masses who suffer and die from a horrible disease?
Am I satisfied when children weaken and die covered in their own filth and feces?
Am I satisfied?

When everything seems too big?
When the questions are answered with I AM?
When the blessing is brokenness?
When He takes away?

I count the blessings and find the fullness of my portion once again:

171. mangoes sweet and juicy
172. the bi-weekly grocery delivery by the hunkiest delivery bot of all
173. Cabinets. cupboard and pantry overflowing
174. The grace of an early bed time
175.  Sun, sun and more sun in springtime sneak preview
176. growing girls into women
177. to run farther
178. bluebirds, cardinals, blue jays, orioles, sparrows, catbirds, robins and doves that sing and dive all day
179. the fresh smell of windows open
180. the slap of lake waves against the sea wall
181. the lazy wave of quiet fisherman
182. freckle rebirth
183. the smell of sunscreen
184.  white lights on the back deck at night
185. deer in the dusk
186. wise words that change and reframe
187. senses awake to changes around me
188. boundless generosity of friends in my mail box
189. children sleeping in
190. rebirth

2 comments:

Madame Rubies said...

I love when you are gut-wrenching honest. I can relate so much. Haydn was defining 3 vocabulary words this morning, and in the time it took to write those 3 definitions I hear a lot of crying and the phrases, "I hate myself, I am going to explode, I hate my writing, I can't write." I wish eh said these things for attention, but he says them when he thinks no one is around as well. I hurt for these words piling up on his little heart and making him believe they are true. Thus far, my efforts to exorcise this language from his vocabulary has failed.

So, I am heavy-hearted as well. But, you just reminded me to post my gifts.

Pattie said...

I think you are more satisfied than you realize. And I love you.