In Which I Wrestle a Familiar Demon

   I went toe to toe with an old acquaintance today. He is the demon who haunts me. His name is Not Good Enough. Most days now I can quiet his shoutings to a whisper. Some days I can even make him disappear. But he sneaks back in through the cracks and chinks. His voice is soft and sibilant, and it accuses me in the guise of specters from my past.

Not Good Enough likes to remind me of many things:

Not good enough to parent
Not good enough to be a pastor's wife
Not good enough to be named
Not good enough to be remembered
Not good enough to be a friend
Not good enough to try to work things through
Not good enough

With claws that tear and fangs that gnaw and a voice that chitters ever up and down the registers of my soul.

I danced with Devil a bit today and his Demon played the tune.

Some days I'm tired, and all my efforts to fight back are Not Good Enough.


Lorri said...

Oh, I know these days far too well. And they start so early. My girl (5) was wailing at the top of the stairs today "Daddy doesn't love me anymore" after a moment of discipline. We got to have a long chat about how even though that's how she was FEELING, it wasn't true. Sounds like you had one of those days, too. Praying for you!

UKZoe said...

Just remembering this time last year and how SO GOOD ENOUGH it was to be at your house and spend time with you!

Windy McKenzie said...

Get MAD!

MJV said...

(I am a friend of Sasha's and followed her link here. I like it.)
We have a similar 'familiar demon' or possibly the same one. And after reading your post, which could have been mine on so many days, I had a thought that maybe next time we should try a new approach. Perhaps we should stop defending ourselves, stop fighting for worth, and instead agree and declare: "It is TRUE! And it's WONDERFUL! I am not good enough. I cannot be. I never will be. And by this one glorious fact I was positioned to be redeemed by the ONLY ONE WHO IS AND EVER WILL BE! He has triumphed! He is victorious! I am His AND HE LIVES IN ME!
And anything more demanding and clingy for worth might just be Pride, NGE's silent partner in crime.
Many blessings to you!

Madame Rubies said...

The Devil plays a tempting tune. But the Savior Sings a Saving Song. Sing along.


You are God's, and man does that piss the ole serpent off.

Pattie said...

Not Good Enough's brother is Insecurity. Hate 'em both, myself.