One of the things I have struggled most with recently, is the almost complete severance of connections with people from my Florida past. As I have navigated the waters of forgiveness and letting go, I have questioned God continually whether these relationships were to be ones of reconciliation or if I was hanging on to things that weren't ever meant to last beyond August 2009.
We've wrestled and wrangled. I've wept and He's comforted. I've fretted (after all, what if moving on makes me appear bitter and hateful if I am not there to defend my actions? Oh pride, will you never cease to find ways of showing yourself?). He's led and I've followed, reluctantly, and been grateful that I wake each day still human and not as a pillar of salt. I have no more sense than Lot's wife most days it seems.
There is no easy way to untangle the threads of life woven over sixteen years time. If I am honest, I admit that the easiest way is a clean, quick amputation, a definitive severing of old and new. What I have called cruel, God would call kind, even generous. I have spent long hours pondering the life that is still occurring behind a door that is completely closed to me, rather than fully stepping through the one that is open before me.
God is so patient and good. He's waited all this time for me to let go the handle, to stop peeking through the window panes and peering through the curtains, to stop wondering why I had to lay so much down when He was waiting to fill my arms with so much more.
The relationships have been the hardest to release. I so longed to pick friendships up right where they were left off, I simply didn't realize that couldn't happen, because in the interim of two months silence, I was the one who changed, irrevocably and completely, and ultimately for my good and God's glory. It took time to see it in His light. There are many that I will always miss, but their lives and my life simply do not share the same paths anymore, and likely never will again. That, too, is God ordained.
What I have worried may be bitterness is really, very simply, surrender. I cannot force into wholeness what God intends to remain broken. I can be content with brokenness until He chooses to heal, or if He never chooses so. I'm through masochistically examining and reexamining my own motivations and resting in God's promise to reveal what He would have me examine. He is faithful. In that promise, I can always trust.
It's time for the next act. Exit, stage left.