I sometimes feel like I keep repeating the same things over and over when I blog. But maybe it's because a blog is tale of my journey and some things take more than a year or five or seven (which is how long I have been blogging). I say that because I am about to say this:
I am a recovering perfectionist.
*waits a moment for you to recover from shock*
So I went into this week of retreat with plans and ideas and concepts and nerves and worries.
About two days ago I received a very clear, very wonderful message from God. You want to know what He said?
Just enjoy it.
Just. enjoy. it.
For this performance based, list lover that was...well, an enormous relief because it means I can't mess up...anything.
It's recently become apparent to me how very careful (almost obsessed) I am to do things "the right way." Doing things the wrong way has burned me badly in the past, and I want to be certain nothing like that ever happens again. SO I carefully weigh actions, words, responses. Even when I am not aware of it, I'm carefully keeping a score card of successes and possible failures.
I've been doing it with God as well.
So you can see how that would lead to a level of anxiety that I "do" my retreat right. The right amount of spirituality, thoughtfulness, prayerfulness, and piety would certainly be necessary for me to experience success.
I'm thankful to Brennan Manning for reminding me that more than anything in this world, in this universe even, the God of all creation wants me to simply spend time...with Him. And enjoy it.
So He took my most secret dark fear, and put it to death before it even really got started.
Just enjoy: yourself, the lake, the quiet, whatever music you want, a good book, a nap, being still, praying, thinking, because in the midst of it, I will be there. You are my beloved, and my desire is to be with you.
It's only been one day. God's been quite the show off so far. I am enjoying it..more than I have in some time.