Lord of the Pain

I originally posted this in October 2003. My friend, Mylette, who is spoken of at the beginning of the article passed away in December of the same year, the day after a fairly incredible incident in which someone in a stolen car totaled or nearly totaled both of our vehicles, took out our front fence and left the smoking wreckage in our front yard.

Since then any number of hard and painful things have come to pass, along with a great many more beautiful, wonderful and miraculous things.

I find what I wrote then still rings true. God is still good. God is still God.

Lord of the pain

I have a friend named Mylette. We met in an on-line young breast cancer survivor support group. Mylette has metastatic disease to the lungs and spine, and now possibly to the brain. No chemo is stopping it, or even checking it. Mylette is dying slowly and very, very painfully. Inch by inch all her physical capabilities are being taken from her. Her body is a torture chamber from which she cannot escape, she watches helplessly as her husband and four year old son watch her die. Although no one knows better than me that breast cancer kills, this is my first real encounter with that knowledge. You see, I know Mylette. We have talked and laughed together. I've eaten dinner in her home and enjoyed the company of her family. I have watched her sink into hopelessness. She is not some random story or statistic. I am helpless. My gift with words cannot make this better or relieve the pain, not even for a moment. My feeble attempts are simply swept away in the enormity of what is happening to her. It makes me angry. It makes me want answers. It makes me want to turn my back on the God I thought was a loving God. I thought I had a pretty good idea of where God is when it hurts having been there more than once. I was wrong. Just when you think you have the answers God grows you some more. This time, I'm not interested in the lesson. I just want the results.
The Results
I'm an answer girl. I like to have it all figured out. What I want to tell you right now is that I wrangled with God for a bit and then VOILA came the spiritual enlightenment of God letting me in on the big picture. That's what I want to say. You know what God told me?
Well, if its good enough for Moses, it ought to be good enough for me right? I am? What the......? That is not an answer. So I stewed about it, and I questioned God some more. I questioned His right. I questioned His authority. I questioned His love. I questioned His character. I argued; I yelled; I cried. I let my humanity shine at its finest. And again and again He said,
I am enough
I am sufficient
I am soveriegn
I am love
and you are not. Nor will you be. Nor am I going to tell you my reason for allowing this. Nor have you the right to ask, although my love for you does not change when you do. You are going to hurt. You are probably not going to like how this turns out, and this won't be the last time. But that's ok because
You see, I was questioning God all this time based on what He has done, or has allowed or is allowing, however you want to look at it. It has nothing to do with that. God is not God because of what He does; HE IS. That is reason enough. He does not become worthy of my love, my honor, my worship, my praise because He has done great and marvelous things. If the Lord of hosts allows satan to steal everything I have, everything I love and everything I am from me, I will still worship Him because HE IS.
Its not about me. Never even one time have I come close to earning one iota of the things He has given me, NOT ONCE. And I have the audacity to question His reasons? Ought I not to say "why HAVE you given? why HAVE you blessed?" In the depths of my greatest misery, when I draw the very breath of life that God gave me, I am blessed beyond anything I could possibly deserve. God never promises to give us answers. He promises peace that passes understanding, abiding joy, holy comfort, to hold us, love us and even weep with us, but nowhere does it say that we are to be privy to His divine plan.
It's not what I wanted to hear. But I can't escape the truth of it. God's plan will prevail. His will will be done, and there is a very good chance that I will never understand it this side of heaven. My heart is going to hurt, my soul is going to weep. I'll probably find myself questioning God again, and proably sooner rather than later. It's ok. Because this life is not the end. And one day, I will climb onto that great and holy lap clothed in shining robes. He will pull me close, cupping my head in His hand and drawing me close to His chest. A strong, warm, living thumb will dry my tears and a deep, comforting rumble of a voice will say "You see, child? You see why it all had to be? It was never out of my hands, but it wasn't about you. It was about all things working to my glory. For I am the Lord even of the dust and the grime and the pain. I am the Lord.
and then, I will see.
Habakuk 2:20-The Lord is in His holy temple. Let all the earth be silent before Him.
Psalm 103:19- The Lord has established His throne in heaven. his kingdom rules over all
Rev. 4:11- You are Worthy our Lord and God to receive glory, honor and power for you created all things. By your will they were created and have their being.
Psalm 139
Job 12:10 In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind
Romans 11:33- Oh the depth of the riches of both the wisdom and the knowledge of Go! How unsearchable are His judgements and unfathomable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord or became His counsellor? Of who has first given to Him that he might be paid back again? For from Him and to Him and Through him are all things. To Him be the glory forever.

1 comment:

KinnicChick said...

Look at you! Still online. :) Good to see you, friend. Sending hugs and love. I've missed you. Keri in Wisconsin