Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
"Anthem" Leonard Cohen
Earlier this week, sometime after the joy fest of Lake Days, I made altogether unexpected discovery.
I'm not angry anymore.
I expected that this feeling of healing would pass. I even poked and prodded at areas that always seem to ache. I dragged memories out of the closet that I usually keep tucked away. Perhaps this is a masochistic way to deal with such a discovery, but hurt and anger have a way of sneaking up on you in ambush. I needed to be sure before I declared the thing dead that I had checked every possibility of it showing signs of life.
I'll be honest, I've been so long in this process, so much redirecting my thoughts, so much avoiding people and places that take my mind down wrong paths, so much laying down my life, my wants, my needs, my expectations on the alter day after day, that I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting one day to just wake up and feel whole again.
I know that satan is a sneaky SOB, and he's no doubt going to bring things up now that I have made this declaration (he's already been stirring junk up in relationships that have nothing to do with Florida), but I have made it and now I am going to stand on it. God took my anger and turned it into joy. He took my grief and granted me new life. He took my brokenness and made it into something beautiful and new. He laid His love over my scars until the inside of my heart shines like the most glorious cathedral window ever imagined.