Today was kind of like a battlefield event. Satan came in hard and he brought his demon pal, Not Good Enough, with him.
We met in the home school room and in the unwashed dishes. We met over laundry and in communication. We battled over perceptions and boundaries and trust. We battled over understanding and mercy and trying not to be sickened by mercy's absence. We parried over justice and boldness and grief. We went around in a waltz of passion and regret.
It was fierce and futile.
Time eventually found me again on the magical back deck, where even the fans couldn't push back humidity, but where I knew God would find me, as He always does.
I pulled out my pen and wrote my list of heavy things. It wasn't poetic or spiritual or eloquent. It was raw and said things like, "It's not fair" and "I don't want it to be this way" and "Why can't I ever understand any of this?"
It made my journal weigh more than it ever did before. But when I put it down, the weight did not return to rest in me.
And then, oh then, as God is wont to do, He began to show out.
He sent me again the blessing of gracious forgiveness from a kindred spirit.
He sent encouragement from unexpected places.
He sent a gentle volley of fortifying text messages from a place I seldom rest my thoughts
He sent generous gifts of money that will become Living Water and which showed my children the beauty of unexpected generosity
He sent the heart cry of a child in Burkina Faso whose pain runs familiar paths in my own heart.
He sent Hunky home and filled the house with guitar strains.
He said, I hear you child, and while I may not answer in any way you will ever understand, you can know I hear you. I love you and it is my joy to treat you to the blessing as long as you keep your eyes open for it.
He met me on my battle field and said, "I will fight for you, you need only be still."