9.18.2011

I'm Not Sorry

I read this blog post sometime last week, and honestly, it's been poking away at my brain ever since.

Sorry...that's what she said  (<-------------- click it, read it, come back here)

It's made me realize how often I too, say "I'm sorry", for problems I didn't cause, situations in which I have no part, things which I cannot fix, and even worse, for not being something or someone that I think someone else expects me to be.

I don't like this.

Don't get me wrong, it's been an on-going battle for a good portion of my life. I'm a perfectionist first born, and the "fixer" in an alcoholic family.  For years if something is wrong, or tense, or uncomfortable, and I can't fix it, I've harbored the secret belief  that the problem is something broken in me, not inherent in the situation itself.

Also, I reallllllllly want people to like me (Shew, I'm being very transparent here. I'm not sorry.  I am a little nervous though )

Then two years ago, I was shattered (Yes, I am bringing this up again...I mean what fun is a dead horse if you can't beat it? But really, I'm still sorting through the fallout and ramifications of that event.  So, I'm not sorry), and I walked away from the situation believing to some extent that I was unloved, unwanted, beyond repair, beyond repentance and beyond forgiveness.

Those are some heavy bags to tote.

God and I spent a good portion of last fall dealing in repentance.  What happened to us was wrong, absolutely wrong and horrifically cruel in every. single. way. There wasn't a bit of Christ in it at all. (I'm not sorry for saying that either), but I wasn't innocent in the situation.  Having that part of my heart revealed was excruciating.  There are things, words, thoughts, actions which I did control and for which I am not only sorry, but repentant.

That bag was wonderful to leave behind, But I have recently realized that I am still occasionally toting baggage with the unlovable, irreparable and unwanted labels attached.  I still carry scars in my soul that whisper to me, "Be careful.  If you can't make them like you,if you can't fix the problem, they may just throw you out, again."  I hate those voices, but I don't think I really realized that they are the under girding for much of my apologetic nature.  Not because I did something wrong or offensive, but because you might think that I am in some way "not enough." By saying I'm sorry, what I mean is, "Please give me another chance.  I'm sure I can perform so much better next time."

Ugh! Do you know how sick that is? How sick it makes me to realize that I have been living this?

So here's the honest truth, I have no doubt that I will continue to genuinely mess up, stumble, and need to apologize.  But today, I want to tell you what I am not sorry for.

I'm not sorry I call sin for what it is SIN! And by the way, exposing sin doesn't tear churches down, sinning and hiding sin tears churches down. Jesus exposed sin all the dadgum time and didn't apologize for it. They kicked him out too. He wasn't sorry either.

I'm not sorry I walked away from people who would rather deceive and be comfortable and extol the deception than face reality. It makes me sick, still.  I AM sad that so many relationships had to end that way. But I am not sorry.

I'm not sorry that not everybody likes me.  Here's some news: I don't like everybody either.  But only God has the right to tell me I need to change, and believe me, HE NEVER STOPS DOING THAT.  Your opinion of me matters none. Only God defines me.

I'm not sorry that I can't make evening fun plans most of the time. My family is my priority and evenings are for my husband and children.  Yes, it's weird. Yes, it means there are a lot of things I "miss out on." Except, I don't really miss them because being with my family, my husband, my best friend, is where I most want to be. Always.  I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry if the way I live seems different, weird, crazy, incomprehensible or just plain insulting.  I'm not sorry if my life choices make you feel threatened. I live my life the way my God calls me to live it. I don't expect He'll call you in the same way, and I'm not holding you up to some sort of comparative standard.  I also won't be sorry if somewhere down the line God flips everything on its ear and we start living a completely different way because He's been known to do that sort of thing.

I'm not sorry I won't sit and listen to you complain.

I'm not sorry I'm God's favorite.  I don't think I deserve or earned the favor He grants me every. single. day in any way shape or form, but I won't stop bragging about His goodness. I won't stop saying thank you.  And I sure won't apologize for being His princess.

There. I said it. I really feel a lot better now.

I'm not sorry.

5 comments:

Lorri said...

Lots to think on here for this contender of the "I'm Sorry" queen title. Thank you for posting it!

Windy McKenzie said...

Yay! for not being sorry. And for you sharing. I need a lot more of that, too.

marla said...

In 20 years time, you've always been good enough for me. Hugs and love.

ang klocke said...

I apply sorries in my business more than I should. Or, you know, at all. In life, I just cower in my apologies, not necessarily saying them but feeling them because I am pulled in so many directions and can't possibly oblige.

lakecrestgirl said...

Thanks for sharing this personal story.