12.18.2011

Long Winter's Nap

Last week was just...crazy.  Schedules were crazy and school was crazy, life crises and love crises, deaths and weddings, parties, activities and drama.  It seemed like the moment I got one thing done, five others popped up.  I raced around like a little whirly-gig putting out fires, swallowing tears and fears and breaking down those old familiar walls.

I've practiced a lot of escapism this week, trying to pass hours without thinking. I've slept restlessly. I've told myself I don't love; I don't care; that it doesn't matter.

I got to sing today, loud and long. There was dancing and praise but somehow the dancing stays on stage and when I come down the stairs the weight of things that really aren't mine to carry descends, and I struggle to breathe, to see what surprises could possibly be lurking just around the next morning. I could go on.

But to what end?

We finished home school for the year Thursday mid-day, and we won't be returning to a regular life schedule for three weeks, and so, I am declaring for myself, a long winter's nap. I'm tuning out, turning off, and tucking in. In fact, about the only thing I plan to indulge in that brings in the outside world, is this little old blog.  It's a big, scary, cold, hard world out there and for now I am letting go of it.  Letting God sort, control, handle and guide the things I should have let Him handle all along.  I know what He has called me to be and do, and that alone is what I intend to rest in for awhile.

It won't be long until life is rolling along again at its breakneck pace bringing it's share of blessing, surprises and grief, but for just a little while, I'm off the ride. I'm going to watch Christmas lights twinkle and sing Christmas songs, going to ring in the New Year with the silly hilarity of my giggling little women.

I'm going to seep my soul in the balm of what matters, and I'm not coming up for air until I've found my way again.

2 comments:

Aisling Beatha said...

Literally 2 minutes ago I had a conversation that mimics your second paragraph with hubby about my dad and his not being around when we go over to visit on Christmas eve, even though he knows that when we go, because girlfriend's son seems to take priority AGAIN.

But I DO care, and it hurts, and maybe I too need to take a break, some me time, just to BE!

Pattie said...

I love you, and I treasure every text you're sending me through my trials right now. Love you. Thank you for reaching out to me even though hurts abound.