The End of the Beginning (Multitudes on Monday)

So.
It's the end of January. The end of the first month of another year. The ending of the beginning. There are so many times when I reach an ending that I look back and think "Well, that could have gone better." Why do we do that? Why do we focus only on that which we did imperfectly? Because don't we do it ALL imperfectly. I know I do. To be quite honest, I'm tired of that kind of thinking. I'm tired of it never being enough, of focusing on failure, of seeing only the lack.  I'm not doing it anymore, because here's the facts: No, I didn't do everything perfectly this month (or even this day), but taken as a whole, it has been a tremendous month. Tremendous. Maybe the best first month of a new year I have ever had. What's more is, I didn't do it alone. If you are reading this, chances are you played a big part in this great month, and I'd like to say thank you. It's good to have a hand to hold along the way.

121. Sistahs
122. Good dogs
123. Someone else's story given to you to share - what a beautiful gift
124. Weddings
125. Watching a husband's face as his wife sings
126. 70* days in January
127. Boots that just make you feel good
128. Gifts in the mail
129. Donations that make your heart break
130. Endings
131. New markers and a new sketch pad
132. Holding a sweet baby until she falls asleep
133. Gingerbread cookies
134. warm slippers
135. A Cheshire cat mug filled with coffee.

In Which I am Cared For

My sweet hunky made me dinner tonight. This is the part where he would start deflecting and saying that no, he really just warmed some leftovers up in the oven, and he wouldn't be lying. But the thing is, he didn't have to. I could have, and happily would have taken care of the matter. I wasn't busy, hadn't spent the day working hard, as he had. There was no real reason for him to do it. But he did. While I read my book.  He fixed it, and served it and brought it to me with a glass of wine, while I sat on my bed and read a book-- a reflection of what I had been "actively working on" all afternoon long.

That's my life. All. The. Time.

Every day, in more ways than I realize or recognize, I am cared for.  In big ways. In small ways. In silly ways that include rewarmed corn on the cob leftovers, I am a spoiled rotten wife.

I like to think about this when I think about how the marriage relationship is a reflection of Christ and His church. How amazing is it to think that every day in a million little ways, God, Himself, looks for and delights in blessing us in a million big and little ways--often in ways we never see or realize. We are completely and utterly adored, our company is deeply desirable, and in fact God waits in anticipation for us to enter His presence. He hangs on our every word, treasures our every dream, breathes life into our every hope, protects, comforts, wipes our tears, and even takes out the garbage at the end of a long week.

I know all these things because everyday, I see it modeled in person because I am blessed to receive a double portion (and he will interrupt here and say imperfectly ), every. single. day.

Cared for? Indeed. Beyond anything I could ever earn or would dare ask for.

Saturday Snapshots

In Which there is a Mid-Winter Respite

We had a break in the weather today. The sun shone fiercely and though the wind was fast and chill, the temperature climbed...and climbed...and by noon the first of the two digits rose to 6, a phenomena I haven't been privy to in at least two months ( I remember a warm Thanksgiving Day with shorts involved ). Since then it's been layers and socks and fires and electric blankets,  a frosty cold walk under a million brittle stars while my breath mists out just before bed.

I do love winter.

But on a day like today the lizard in me peaks out it's little head. And I drag a chair off the porch (still too cool in the shade, by far) and into the sun, stretch out and turn my face to it. An offering, a burning away of cold and grey and chill.  I close my eyes and see brilliantly pink through my lids, the object of my affection.  Sleeves pushed up, socks discarded, white ankles gleaming under rolled cuffs. It isn't sun bathing, but it wants to be.  My skin remembers the prickle of heat.

And I sigh.

Because tonight I know there will be coat and gloves and stocking feet, and flannel sheet warmth when the heater clicks off until morning.

I do love winter.
But it was lovely to get a glimpse of a season awakening once again.

Building the Best of Me (pt 2)

I blogged a song yesterday:

10,000 stones hanging deep in my heart
No I don't know how they don't tear me apart
How could I ever believe
10,000 stones would save the fool in me
10,000 stones would be a strange blessing
10,000 stones would build the best of me 

I love the lyrics of the song because they do so eloquently express where I am now, and bring me around, at last, to writing about my theme for the year:

Character

Time has passed, mistakes were made (and repeated), and buried, and wrestled and dealt with, and all that remains is what I will make of all the many things that have happened, both good and bad (and isn't this the case with all of us at any stage?). I have several options, but what I know is this, if I do not obey and allow what happens in my life to mold my character then everything that came to this point is wasted.

Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the LORD promised on oath to your ancestors. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.  He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.  Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.  Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.  Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills;  a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.  Deut 8:1-9

Character is shaped by obedience. Obedience is irrevocably tied to blessing. I want the blessing therefore I must allow God to shape my character to be the person He led me here to be.
It's humbling and hard and daunting and scary. I still battle a lot of demons. I don't trust most people from my recent past, almost at all. I wrestle with disappointed expectations. I get mad still. I rage for justice--yes still, but these are things that shouldn't be. They can't remain because they are the weight of ten thousand stones. If I let them stay long enough, they will crush me. So every morning I wake up, and I hand my black and shriveled little heart over to my Abba.  He holds it in His hands and warms it. He breathes life into it and bathes it with His tears and fills it with His Spirit, and  then we go out in the world and I try my very best to let Him be what people see rather than that mangled up mess I handed over.

Some days are better than others.

But one way or another, God is going to build me into the most amazing person. I know this because the model on which He bases His work is beautiful beyond description. He's going to take those stones and instead of throwing them at me in punishment, He's going to raise up an alter to Himself...a symbol that in this place is the presence of the Almighty God.

A strange blessing, a rescue from the fool in me.....building the very best of me.

Building the Best of Me (pt 1)

My days are filled with mistakes
Some that I didn't make.
I carry them around.
Some people don't feel a thing,
Some kind of blissful dream.
Wish I could live that now,
oh I wish I could live that now.

10,000 stones are hanging
deep in my heart.
No I don't know how they
don't tear me apart.
How could I ever believe
10,000 stones would build
the best of me?

I've seen a lot in my life
I've seen two wrongs make a right
When everything was crashing 
I know that you got your plans
You're always taking your stand
But I was only asking
No, I was never asking for

10,000 stones are hanging
deep in my heart
No I don't know how they
don't tear me apart
How could I ever believe
10,000 stones would build
the best of me?


Who knows what you think of me now
knowing sooner or later
the truth would come out,
but I don't want to look back,
don't want to look back to

10,000 stones hanging deep in my heart
No I don't know how they don't tear me apart
How could I ever believe

10,000 stones would save the fool in me

10,000 stones would be a strange blessing

10,000 stones would build the best of me 

In which I stay in the Moment instead of leaping ahead where I'm not meant to be yet

You know it's coming don't you? Do you hear it whispering...

Feeeeebrrrruaaaaarryyyyyy...Feeeeeeeeeeebbbrrrrruuuuuuaaaaaarrryyyyyyyy


It's right around the corner and it taunts me with its clean slate promise. There are new lists to make, new challenges to tackle, new happy themes to contemplate (fall in love again--couldn't you just die from all the possibility?)

But there's something standing in the way, and that something is seven more days.

Here's the thing about me. I'm a great starter. Man I love good a start more than anyone else I know. I'm only about a 50/50 finisher though. Sometimes the ratio may drop a bit. So while my intentions may be good, my path....meanders. Many times it's because I am so busy racing to the next thing (ooohhh shiny! shiny!) that I forget to wait a few minutes or hours or days and ensure that I have received all the lessons, all the growing, all the marrow out of the space I am already occupying.

January's been a good month..and it's almost time to evaluate and use it as a stepping stone, but not yet.
February has so much promise and blessing waiting to be poured out, but not yet, because January is still pregnant and waiting the right time to birth it's successor.

Today is all I have and I don't want to miss it looking over its shoulder for the next thing.
I want to be a strong finisher, not missing even one moment of the good stuff that's sitting right. here. in. my. hand (even more delicious than a big soft gingerbread cookie)

In Which I am Becoming

My mind is all a-jumble tonight with thoughts and words and ideas and inspirations. Abba has been speaking, speaking, speaking and I scramble to hear, and ever more to obey.

Today Ann Voskamp wrote this in her beautiful blog: But God asks us not to read or write words, but become them.


I find myself somewhat stymied at the process of becoming, or maybe not so much becoming since becoming happens with or without awareness, perhaps I should say at the process of intentionally becoming...something that wasn't in the original blueprints that I had assumed would define my life.  


So putting words to things as yet not quite become isn't something that I will do today. Instead I recognize the great goodness of The Word who first Became.


106.) A glimpse that maybe my character isn't as intractable as I think
107.) Rooms that are too small to hold the number of people arriving to hear The Word spoken
108.) New faces with which to study
109.) Silliness at the dinner table (turtles with Christmas trees, indeed)
110) Running a little farther
111.) Prayers from a heart friend
112.) Learning to be vulnerable, and wise
113) Good friends laughing in the kitchen
114.) The Jonah promise that after 3 days comes new life
115.) Taking hands with new sisters to explore God together
116.) Words on Paper = a beautiful plan, and a bit more peace
117.) Sharing a True Word 
118.) Giving an unintentional gift
119.) Learning Perseverance
120.) Mexican food

In which my Brain is Blitzed on Sunday

  Ya'll I am TIRED! Sundays anymore flat wear me out! Today consisted of two services, a book club meeting, and small group as well as all the various and sundry little things that pop up on any given day, and the various and sundry little things that pop up on Sunday when you are wife to a pastor (pause a moment for the reality of that to sink in--because it still stymies me)

For too long a period of time, I allowed all my joy to be robbed when it came to church. The majority of the problem was my inability to focus on what is right about God over what was wrong in a situation. That was a huge mistake on my part. I robbed myself and what's more I robbed God. We've dealt with this, and there has been appropriate repentance. My response was wrong no matter what circumstances brought it about. But I will say this (even if I don't recommend it), my time of wanting no part of the church family into which I was called for a time, has made even sweeter this new home in which God has placed me.

I am reading a book that accurately spelled out the gift I have been given in my restoration to God's family:

"Biblically, tenderness is what follows when someone reveals you your own inner beauty, when you discover your belovedness, when you experience that you are truly and deeply liked by someone. If you communicate to me that you really like me and not just love me as a brother in Christ, that you take delight in me, then you open me up to the possibility of liking myself. the look of amiable regard in your eyes banishes my fears and my defense mechanisms...disappear into the nothingness of my non-attention to them. your warmth withers my self-disdain and allows the possibility of self esteem.  I drop my mask of pretentious piety, stop impersonating Mother Teresa, quit disguising my sanctimonious voice, start to smile at my own frailty, and dare to become more sincere, open, vulnerable and affectionate than I would ever dream of being if I thought you didn't like me. In short, I grow tender." Brennan Manning The Wisdom of Tenderness

There are times I wish that I learned lessons more easily, but maybe, for one such as me, who falls off the low end of the mercy scale, the only way to learn tenderness is to be deprived of it until I am starved near to death.  All I know is that in this tender place I have landed, I am relearning the belovedness of me. And I am grateful.

In Which I get back on the wagon (and take requests)

I don't know if you noticed, but this week...I didn't blog.
I meant to blog; I blogged in my head. I sat down to blog once or twice.
But.   I.   Didn't.  BLOG.

It just goes to show what I have known all along; I can make all the plans I want, but if I don't actively schedule time in my life to act on them, they are only ever going to be empty plans.

I don't like empty plans.

So, soooo, SOOOOOOOOOOO I am making a plan, right here, today.  I am going to blog something - a quote, some thoughts, a picture, a list every day between now and the end of February.

It's an ambitious plan, but it stems from the fact that I know that consistent blogging is only going to happen when I make it part of my life again instead of just trying to fit it in. So.

That's my plan. One blog. Everyday for the next 35-ish days (I didn't count exactly).

And if you have a request, you can leave it in the comments. I may need the brain fodder.

Ritual Idolatry

 I must have said it a thousand times in the last month, and countless times in the months before that, "I just need life to get back to normal so I can get into a routine."  I do like a good routine where all the behaviors come automatically, and I don't have to engage my brain too hard.  Auto-pilot and low stress and time to relax are all things that my mind and body seem to crave.

Except that if we aren't careful the ritual of routine can become an idol, the norm is what we crave and how we function most effortlessly
Except that things that are effortless invite disengagement
Except that stress is what trains our muscles and responses, where routine only makes us lazy, restful and complacent
Except that races are neither run nor won when we are moseying along on autopilot
Except that a priority ceases to be a priority if you don't have to fight to make time for it
Except that one thing we can depend on is that when we aren't on our toes is when God will shake us up
Except that when we are lazy and complacent, Satan doesn't even need to pay us any mind

If I depend on my routine to bring me peace, order and contentment then I have placed my trust in the wrong thing. A body in motion tends to stay in motion, and motion brings changes, adjustments, and occasionally outright upheavals. In fact, I can be sure that the best personal attributes and the sharpest edges will be developed only when I work without the safety net of routine.

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!  Romans 5:3-5

Maybe it's time for me to stop waiting for life to run the way I would shape it to run, and surrender my expectations for each and every day to the one who orchestrates every moment of eternity.

In which a milestone is reached (Wordless Wedensday)

In Which the Snow Makes Me Lose Track of the Days (Multitudes on Monday)

You might not know this (tongue in cheek) but I am utterly in love with seasons. It almost makes up for being hundreds of miles from the ocean to have them. Sunday and yesterday we had snow and ice and sleet and some other slick and chilly precipitation Yesterday the world was encased in white crystalline beauty. Yes, it was an inconvenience to many. No, we didn't get mail or our trash picked up.  We spent the day wrapped in luxurious warmth: the fireplace, heaters, electric throw blankets. We bundled up to traipse around outside, sounds strangely magnified, the crunch, crunch crunch of ice under foot, the sky metallic whites and grays matching the monochrome landscape, ice in the shapes of leaves and flowers coming inside balanced precariously on outstretched gloved hands.  Hunky home to enjoy the day as well.  I don't necessarily desire to have to plan my days around winter weather for months on end, but days that are so encased in uniqueness that we forget to name them are wonderful.

And so, Multitudes on Monday, on a Tuesday:

91) Seasons of all sorts
92) hats, gloves, coats, boots, socks ...warm clothes in abundance
93) a garage and a shed filled with wood
94) nearness of family
95) hot chocolate and hot coffee
96) Offices closed so travel isn't necessary
97) heat-- in all its forms
98) a community that calls to check in on each other
99) a big bowl of pasta
100) anticipating new groups of people to learn about God with (small group and Weds. Nights)
101) purging the excess
102) broccoli cheese soup
103) slippers
104) gifts of clothing
105) enjoying each other day after day, year after year

In which I Ponder the Physics of Forward Momentum

"Perseverance is more prevailing than violence and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together yield themselves up when taken little by little." Plutarch 

I went for a run the other day(since then I have been snowed in, a phenomenon which does not help matters). December was not a good month for running, we traveled many miles, there were birthdays and holidays and some form of virus that lasted for weeks and attacked my lungs and other breathing apparati. I didn't NOT run --well, for two weeks I did NOT run--but I didn't run with any sort of consistency, and I certainly didn't make any progress in pace or distance. So anyway, I went for a run the other day, and it was a tremendous effort. In fact, it has been a tremendous effort every run since the two week health hiatus. As I was struggling and panting and pushing and gasping through the last tenth of a mile I realized something. I lost my forward momentum.

Now, I have one of two choices: I fight to get it back or I let it go altogether.

One of the things I don't like most about myself is my propensity to start things gung-ho and then peter out on them. It's part of the reason why my now nine months of consistent running is something which makes me so proud. I realize, now, that it's the loss of forward momentum that makes me lose interest and move on to the next exciting thing.  Let's face it, everything is more fun when it's new, exciting and still relatively easy. It's when the shine has worn off and the hill starts to curve upwards, when the knees must be lifted higher and the lungs start to burn, this is when it is tempting to just call it quits.

Maybe this is the year that following through at last on one thing, that was only ever work, and will only ever continue to be work for as long as I continue to pursue it, is what will lead me to work all the harder this year to not only begin the changes I hope to make, but to see them through.  Forward momentum is great, but it will only take me downhill. On the uphill portion of the journey, I'm going to have actually work and sweat and push a little harder.

In Which I Consider Job and a few other Thoughts about the Bible.

It's no big secret that I love the Bible. I love studying about God in just about every way imaginable but at the top of my list, what I'd rather do more than anything in the world is be in God's Word. I just love it. I have been very, very blessed this year to be included in a group of people who have been and who are learning to be fired up for reading, studying, knowing and applying the Bible. This excites me because I feel the power in it, the darkness grows less and God's Kingdom advances a little bit more, Satan's roars become more hot air than acts of destruction. It's amazing.

And then there is Job.
I don't enjoy reading Job.

It's tedious, and his friends get on my nerves. It's frustrating because none of Job's answers are given in the way I would like them to be given. It's difficult because many of the lies are so woven in with truth that it's hard not to be deceived, misled into believing that sin does in fact equal suffering and a righteous life mean prosperity.

It's scripture. Which means above all else it was included for my benefit, for my instruction and for further insight into the Living God, and so I decided that rather than focusing on what I don't like about Job, I would focus on what Job has to teach me.

• Job has God's attention. It isn't Satan who brings the idea of Job to God, it's the other way around. Job's very righteousness is what led to the events that unfold in his life. This does not make me comfortable...at all. However, Job is also is one of the few people in Old Testament scripture who gets a face to face audience with the Lord Himself. I can't speak for Job, but when I do speak to him, I expect he won't regret the outcome.
• Sometimes silent presence is the best comfort we can give a suffering brother or sister. There aren't always explanations, there is only knowing God is in control.
• Raw honesty, questioning, weeping and anger do not negate faith or praise. Job questions God completely and thoroughly and in the end it is not the questioning that is rebuked, but the elevation of Job's own status to think that God is answerable to him. Job never stops praising God. He never doubts His authority. Job is the very essence of humanity,  and God has compassion on him. That is a message of hope to me.
• Satan cannot touch me without God's permission - that in and of itself is reason enough to read the book.
• God is God. I am not God. I cannot begin to fathom His wisdom, power, glory, might, love and justice, but I will continue to seek Him, and maybe one day get a whirlwind of my own.

In which I Resume a Habit that Shouldn't Have Been Neglected

Multitudes on Monday

76. Saying the perfect thing without even trying
77. Cheese grits and shrimp
78. Electric Blankets
79. Lists
80. Sixty women working together to grow closer to God
81. Realizing that I just don't matter, and being o.k. with it
82. Running in the sun on a winter day
83. Abundance - even if it means reorganizing it
84. Rediscovering myself through writing
85. New Year's aspirations
86. Amazon gift cards
87. Learning to lean deeper in to the one who provides all
88. Anticipating
89. Warm Jammies on a cold evening
90. Stars on a winter's night.

The Delightful Year

God was kind to me in 2010. He gave me the theme of Delight. As is always the case, it didn't go exactly as I would have scripted it, in fact parts of it were darn near excruciating, but in the end, obedience brought blessing. I have recognized and delight in the tremendous blessing, delivery, and generous restoration that God lavished upon me and my family this past year, and it is truly delightful.

My theme verse for the year was Psalm 23:

 ^1-3 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. 
   You have bedded me down in lush meadows, 
      you find me quiet pools to drink from. 
   True to your word, 
      you let me catch my breath 
      and send me in the right direction. 


In the world's eyes, it would seem as though we lost everything in a twelve month period: lost our home, most of our friends, job, house, reputation, credit...everything. Instead we find ourselves at the end of a very long tunnel completely provided for, rescued from a church that is a struggling to regain integrity and solid Biblical leadership, and placed us in a place that is both challenging and extremely rewarding.  Top it off with some of the most amazing scenery, gorgeous seasons and a lake outside our back door, and He didn't just provide, He showed off.  He restored entirely all the things I had believed gone for good - a place on the worship team, a disciple class, people to read with, study with, laugh with, be comfortable, close to and honest with.  He changed my life abruptly and completely only to take me to somewhere so much better that it defies my words.

 ⁴ Even when the way goes through 
      Death Valley, 
   I'm not afraid 
      when you walk at my side. 
   Your trusty shepherd's crook 
      makes me feel secure. 


My Hunky commented the other day that When we don't trust God for our future that we belittle what He has done for us in the past. I won't challenge God by saying "There is nothing He has not put us through" because I know very well there is plenty that would be even harder still. What I will say is that I need no further proof. My God has me right in the palm of His hand - where ever that takes me, whatever it means for my life. I am not afraid (or at least, not very afraid when I can keep my focus.)

 ⁵ You serve me a six-course dinner 
      right in front of my enemies. 
   You revive my drooping head; 
      my cup brims with blessing. 


I can't say much here without it becoming a snark-fest. I will just say our delivery is known. And I believe to many it is a bitter one due to choices of their own making. I don't revel in that, but there is a certain amount of satisfaction, and, yes, healing that comes with that knowledge. 

 ⁶ Your beauty and love chase after me 
      every day of my life. 
   I'm back home in the house of God 
      for the rest of my life.


Amen! Amen! He has surely pursued me with an undying love beyond anything I deserve. I am blessed more than I could ever earn, and my prayer is that I never take it for granted. He is a great and gracious God.


I will miss the Delightful year but I believe the great treasure of it is that I don't really have to say goodbye to it. God's mercies, and His blessings are new every morning. Right there for me to find them if I only keep the right focus. 


"God, God, a God of mercy and grace, endlessly patient—so much love, so deeply true—loyal in love for a thousand generations, forgiving iniquity, rebellion, and sin. Still, he doesn't ignore sin. He holds sons and grandsons responsible for a father's sins to the third and even fourth generation." Exodus 34:7

In which a Plan is Born

Can you smell it? That's the fresh new smell of a brand new year and it's beautiful. No, I never keep all my aspirations. No, I never get to the end of my lists. I don't expect to. But most years I end up accomplishing more because I have made a plan, or a list or a group of goals than if I hadn't bothered to begin so. So, I keep making my lists year after year. It's a simple thing that brings me great joy. I have a conglomeration of two plans this year.  Last year I read The Happiness Project and loved it: loved the concept, the follow through, the flexibility, the fun of it. I did make a 12 month plan, and I actually followed it (for the most part) even if I failed to blog about it. So I decided to incorporate it into this year as well. I am keeping the last six monthly themes that start this year while ending the year of the project (since I started in June) and continuing on, with a bit more actual focus until the end of 2011.
Here are the six themes I have yet to complete:

January: Explore and Grow;       February: Fall in Love Again;
 March: Create;                           April: Pursue Passion;
May: Celebrate;                        June: Take Risks

I don't have the next six yet. But by the end of the week I hope to have them and to decide if I keep the Everyday Happies blog or move it here. Decisions, decisions. 

My other plan (and here's where it gets a little tricky) is to set 5 mini-goals for each month, each one in a set of five categories:

Spiritual

Physical

Creative

Organizational

Grab-bag

The hope is that I can make these fit my theme for the month--but that may not happen, and that's ok too. It doesn't all have to fit together pretty-like (it will be fun when it does though!)

This, of course, brings me to my goals for the month of January:

*Spiritual: Start a small group; start a Bible in a year program; develop a scripture memorization plan; reading

*Physical: keep running; start 10k training; add arms and abs to routine

*Creative: Blogging- 3x a week at least

*Organizational: menu-plan and budgeting fun; finding some low cost recipes that everyone will eat

*Grab Bag - start family Monday movie and game night; Speak ONLY well of my kids; read a lot; Cut WAY down on computer time