Perfect Timing

My 2012 Love List

Generally, I get to the end of the year and think to myself, "Oh no! There was so much more I wanted to get done before (insert new year here)"  This year, I think I am the perfect amount of ready for a whole new year and wistfully nostalgic for the one that is passing.   I know many people who have had a very hard year and are more than ready to say good-bye to it. I have been in that place, not too long ago.  But this year, overall, has been a good year for me. It has stretched me, changed me and taught me many things. It has not been without its challenges, and it certainly has had some amazing rewards.  Perhaps the most obvious indicator of change within me is my readiness to move ahead without everything around me being perfectly prepared, cleaned or stored. Could I have accomplished more this year? Undoubtedly. But here I am all the same, ready or not.
I was considering ending the year with a profound and thoughtful review, and I may still do that in my private morning pages. Instead I spent a good deal of time today crafting a love list for the next year, hanging blinds with my Hunky (he hung the blinds, I provided moral support, comic relief and dropped item retrieval), taking down the Christmas items and other general meandering. It wasn't really a day that lent itself to profundity, all the better since it generally isn't a day that lends itself to many readers and I'd really hate for you to miss my best stuff.  heh.

So here we are. On the verge of a new year. For me, it will be the Year of Attention. God and I are still working out many of the details, though I am attentively waiting. I have some ideas and as January unfolds, I know many of them will be hammered out here.

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. 
Romans 12:1-2 (emphasis mine)

Wrap it Up: 7 Quick Takes Ed. 24

• We are home from Tennessee.  I am sitting on the sofa looking out at my lake and thinking again that I don't know that I will ever again live in a place as beautiful as this.  I do enjoy going places, visiting, seeing new things and having new experiences, but the fact remains that I am always going to love home the best, that it comes with an incredible view for now is just icing on the cake. A week from Sunday we will embark on our final holiday travel to visit the Hunky's side of the family and spend a little time in Harry Potter world.  I did a little looking ahead at other travel plans and it's looking rather hairy until May.  So for now I will sit on the couch and enjoy the view.
• I ate way too much this entire holiday week. That's all I've got to say about that.
• Am I the only one who is resistant to taking the tree down? All week at my Mom's all she could talk about was how ready she was to put the tree away. I responded that I didn't like taking down my own tree so I wasn't planning on taking down two (granted, hers was the smallest tree I have seen in some time).  But I think tomorrow is the day. Today is cloudy so I will light it up, sit here and enjoy it's magical glow for one more day.  Then we'll pack up Christmas into it's boxes and bags and look forward to next year.
• I felt way less hurried and hectic overall for Christmas this year.  I'm starting an idea list already for next year and even have an inspiration for my brothers for whom personal things to purchase can be difficult.  They, like me, do enjoy a gift card, and I don't mind giving a gift card at all. But I want to add a few little personal touches this year. It feels good to already have one idea for that handled.
• I posted Wednesday about my four guiding principals for 2012.  I'm very happy that I have another eight days before leaving again to really flesh out the first month or two of my aspirations. For me, to plan more than guidelines further ahead than that is rather futile. I find my life is often in a state of great flex, and I am doing better with guidelines and bare bones ideas than a month by month road map of how things should look. I think I also tend to grow more with less restrictive (self-imposed) expectations. I think that's the creative in me finding her voice again. I'll be finding a great deal more writing time this week to expound upon those principles (And to make one minor tweak that I think will improve them)
• I was feeling a bit down about the consistency of my blogging this month, but then I looked back over the year as a whole and realized how much more I have written this year over all.  With the exception of April, I blogged at least every month (April is mission trip month and that always seems to be a crazy time). The months that I did blog, with the exception of March, I blogged a majority ( or near half) of days.  After two years of being highly sporadic, I think that's a huge improvement. I love having a concrete big picture to look back over and chart changes.
• Now it's time to switch laundry, refill coffee, find something healthy for breakfast and generally unpack. We were amazingly blessed for Christmas and still managed to come home with only a limited amount of things that need to be put away. The best of all possible worlds.

All I Want for New Year

I guess I have to stop using Christmas songs as my titles now, huh? I really have enjoyed it, but I promise to wrap it up with this post.  We have celebrated our final bout of Christmas hilarity at my Mom's house. Tomorrow we had back home for a bit of a chill week before we are on the road to Florida.  We won't start school again until after the 15th so I have plenty of time to think and lay a foundation of ideas for 2012. I have spent a lot of years outlining a detailed plan for the year, but I am not doing that this year.  Don't misunderstand, I think the years I have a plan always end with more growth than years that I don't.  However, this year I have focused on simplicity and flexibility so my of guidelines for 2012 are more reflective of that paradigm shift.  Rather than tie myself down with a lengthy to-do list which I will infallibly use as a tool for self-criticism rather than objective measurement. I'm throwing that mess out the window and trying something new.  Instead of locking myself into plans and goals that may or may not fit my life in twelve months, I have come up with four aspirations that will help guide my decisions, goals and activities this year.

In no particular order, by the end of 2012 I aspire to be:

1) Kinder
2) Wiser
3) More Joyful
4) Richer

Over the next few days I will break each of these principals down and explore it in-depth. Obviously "richer" implies much more than money, though both Hunky and I agree that we want to give more generously this year, which would mean we need to have more money in hand to give away.  We certainly can be more financially responsible.  So, in some senses richer means exactly what it sounds like on the surface.

I hope to do many new things, learn new things and have a lot of fun experiences, but those are as often spontaneous as they are planned, so I am leaving room for the unexpected experiences as well.  Our calendar is already filling with travel and events. I think it's going to be a great year!

The Post I Wish You Had Read

Today Gypsy Momma asked the question: what post do you wish more people had read.

My response:  Help

Probably one of the more honest pieces I have ever written in regards to being a pastor's wife.

With that, we are off to begin our tender Tennessee Christmas. The laptop is going and there may be more blogs.

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas

We started celebrating on Monday of this week, and it seems we can't stop. We have laughed and hugged friends, sung, eaten (oh my how we have eaten) made merry, snuggled, kissed, watched Christmas shows, opened gifts, cooked and eaten (I put it twice to accurately represent how much eating there has been), listened to Christmas music, worshipped...in short, we have celebrated. We have celebrated being with family and friends, living, laughing loving and fighting the battles of this world together.

What is missing this year is stress and worry.  I'd like to chalk it all up to great planning and the like, but I think instead God just stepped in and made peace. Even when things seemed maddeningly busy, He slipped in moments of peace, a well placed day here and there to handle the things that fell behind. He sent talks with friends who understand, and make me laugh.  Each day I felt my small heart grow three more sizes, and again and again.

He made room for Christmas in my heart.

Tomorrow we are on the road for more Christmas celebrating with my family. Large dogs will compete for our attention and uncles will tease their nieces interminably. There will be a lot more eating. There will be a lot more heart growing.  There is a lot more Christmas to celebrate, and oddly, a lot more room in my heart for it, still.

Perhaps the difference in me this year is that I stopped waiting for the perfect season, perfect day, perfect moment (though I did get a darn-near perfect hair cut, and that goes a long way), and I simply embraced each moment for what it was worth. I didn't do that perfectly either, but I think I succeeded more often than not. I practiced letting go, laughing aloud, seeing miracles and finding my happy, instead of waiting for those things to find me.

I could hardly believe when we pushed back from the table, loaded the dishwasher and finally, finally turned off the Christmas music, that we'd really come to the close of another Christmas day, and almost another year...

Merry Christmas to all of you who take the time to read these jumbled thoughts day after day. I pray you all find your blessings today and in the days to come.

Always

Seventeen years ago today, at 4pm in the afternoon, I married my best friend.
Each time I celebrate an important day with him, I try to encapsulate in words how much I love him, how important and inspiring he is to me, how amazing I think he is.

I always fall short.

I don't know that there are words to convey what it means to have someone be entwined with the fibers of your heart and the pathways of your soul.

There are pictures in my mind that go with our life stories. Some I have shared here. Some I have not, but I may one day. Some I will always simply carry safely tucked under my skin.

Sometimes I wake at night and just reach out to lay my hand on him while he sleeps. I'm not worried he won't be there.  I just miss touching him.

Sometimes we have entire conversations with only our eyes and expressions.

Sometimes I have to email or text or call because I have something to share and no one else in the entire universe will "get it" they way I "get it" except him.

Sometimes people tell me something about him or how much they love or appreciate him and then they say, "...but I bet you get tired of hearing that."  No. I never do. In fact, those are my favorite conversations.

Sometimes he just has to say one word and I completely lose it laughing because behind that word is nearly twenty years of shared humor, layer upon layer of all the ways and reasons he makes me smile and laugh.

Sometimes it's very very hard because the world beats us up, and every person we've interacted with have taken from us and we forget. We forget to treasure each other like the precious gift to each other we are.

Sometimes I let him down, I use words that cut and hurt, I let selfishness win. When this happens, I am miserable.

Sometimes I stop and reflect that half a lifetime isn't nearly enough time to spend with one person, and that no matter how much time I have, I will always want more.

Sometimes I realize that I am living a great love story.

Always,  I am grateful for the joy of my life and the life we spend together.

Happy anniversary, my Hunky.

Always,  Me.

Dashing through the Snow...

I didn't intend for today to be a busy day. I have been letting myself sleep in this week (because I want to be sure and not be tired on Hot Anniversary Date night which is only two days away!)...luxurious.  Seriously why be a haus frau if you can't sleep in some days?  Anyway, I rolled over this morning at the ripe old hour of 7:30, and I thought to myself, "another slow morning"

Or, you know, not.

You see the thing is, we are slow mailers.  Every year I say we are going to be better, and we aren't. Though to be fair, this year is better than years past. I didn't have to pay extra express postage on anything we mailed this year! But, yes, as I strolled lazily into the sun room this morning, there they were...gifts to be mailed. They taunted me.

So I shucked on yesterday's shirt and some clean pants and figured I'd be waiting in a good long line at the post office. NOT SO! In and out in under two minutes thankyouverymuch!  Which of course meant I had all kinds of time to run recycling and some of the larger trash items we have sitting around to the dump before they got super icky from standing in the rain that was due today.
Off we went to the dump!

Whilst there the Hunky reminded me of some BOGO groceries from Kroger, and I was reminded of the fact that I need to pick up a Visa gift card for the SINGLE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON TO SHOP FOR ON THE PLANET. I let myself off the hook with gift angst and went for impersonal. Because I love him enough to not hate him by stressing myself over a dang present (and no, we really are not talking about my Hunky here because he does read my blog and does NOT share my DNA. The person I am talking about here is the opposite of those two qualifiers).

On the way home it began to drizzle so I knew that at some point in time Hunky would be coming to get the van since the windshield wiper motor is burned out on his car (give it break, it's twenty years old and it's tired. I'm not kidding on either count) .  I also thought I would be nice and turn the windshield wipers that I managed to put on backwards a few months ago (don't ask) so he had more than a teeensy leeetle box of dry windshield to look through.

Enter several very frustrated very unhappy very PG-13 texts to the Hunky and one broken blade.

OFF we went to Auto Zone where a very friendly, very competent and only slightly condescending to the obviously automotively ignorant little lady replaced the broken part and flipped my blades for FREEEEE!

Auto-zone is by the mall which prompted me to go shopping for pants since all I own is jeans, and Christmas Eve service has a dress code that jeans don't fit. I didn't get pants. I did get a rockin' dress, to wear with my rockin' boots. This will also be what I wear for Hot Anniversary Date Night. It's that awesome. There are red tights. Red. Tights.  Indeed.

One the windshield wipers were handled I felt that the entire car should be cleaned out (that and we are all traveling in it, with the dog, for five hours one way next week, and that many living objects in a vehicle deserve a modicum of cleanliness.) Only it was such a disgusting mess, my vacuum laughed at me, prompting a housewide quarter hunt and and a trip to the gas station with the super sucky vacuum.  $3 later, I felt a little less like a mobile garbage dump, but I realized that I was going to have to do something about the accumulated purge bags and boxes in the back to really feel I had completed my task, and to free up that space for luggage and Grandparent Christmas booty.

Home again, home again for the bagged items in the laundry room and dash away all to the local thrift store where I would literally like to kiss the cheeks of the lovely men who unload my vehicle, tell me I look nice (a blatant lie, if you've read this far  you will remember I am unwashed and in half of yesterday's clothes), inquire of my husband's well being and thank me for all my hard work (it is hard work to sit in my vehicle while you unload it for me isn't it?).  And finally, finally home for the day.

I won't even complain that I had to walk in and make up the Christmas grocery list because I didn't have to do the shopping praise ye the LORD! The man with the van (he did come and trade) handled all of that for me.

I took a bath in the giant tub.

And that my friends is how a lazy day turned busy. I'm so glad it did. I got so many things done that have waited until "a day when I had time"  Today I had all the time in the world, and then some. TOMORROW though, tomorrow is going to be a lazy morning. AMEN!

Faithful Friends who are dear to us...

I posted yesterday about closing down for a long winter's nap, and so I have. Today I putzed around and did my hour of housework for the week. I finished Christmas shopping and browsed with my girls for an hour in the library.  Oh and we caught a third mouse (which reminds me, I should check the traps....insert muzak...nope, none tonight). See, this is the kind of excitement I want to have for a few weeks. The kind that makes you read the opening paragraph of my blog and fall asleep.

Tonight we made time in a crazy December schedule for some special friends. We have been so blessed with many wonderful relationships here in Georgia, but one family in particular has really filled our lives in so many ways.  It was truly a great joy to simply "be" tonight. The food was exquisite. The music was loud and the children even louder. There were surprise Christmas gifts and stories shared, and really way too much cake, even for eleven people, even for two-year-olds who begged for seconds. It was all the things that are wonderful about family without some of the stress that can come with family.  It's good to spend time with people who not only love you, but choose to spend time with you because they like you and enjoy your company. Who want simply to be together, not be together with ulterior motives. It's good to share something and see a familiar gleam of tears in the other's eye because it's trenches they are fighting in too. It's good to say words without weighing them and reveal parts of your heart without counting the cost.

Sometimes its refreshing to be able to be messy with people and then all work together to clean it up and make it neat again. And I'm not just talking about dinner plates and craft tables.

There's so little time left this Christmas season, this year even (how is that even remotely possible?).  But if you're tired and frazzled, find the time to just be with the people who fit your life like the softest, most comfortable pair of jammie pants you own.  I don't mean your work party, or the neighborhood block party.  I mean the people you'd still let in if your hair was unwashed and the plumbing just exploded. Don't make it fancy. Don't worry about cleaning the corners and dusting. Just be together and laugh and share.  Have coffee and cake (you can even buy the cake pre-made from the store).   I promise, it's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in this, or any, season.

Long Winter's Nap

Last week was just...crazy.  Schedules were crazy and school was crazy, life crises and love crises, deaths and weddings, parties, activities and drama.  It seemed like the moment I got one thing done, five others popped up.  I raced around like a little whirly-gig putting out fires, swallowing tears and fears and breaking down those old familiar walls.

I've practiced a lot of escapism this week, trying to pass hours without thinking. I've slept restlessly. I've told myself I don't love; I don't care; that it doesn't matter.

I got to sing today, loud and long. There was dancing and praise but somehow the dancing stays on stage and when I come down the stairs the weight of things that really aren't mine to carry descends, and I struggle to breathe, to see what surprises could possibly be lurking just around the next morning. I could go on.

But to what end?

We finished home school for the year Thursday mid-day, and we won't be returning to a regular life schedule for three weeks, and so, I am declaring for myself, a long winter's nap. I'm tuning out, turning off, and tucking in. In fact, about the only thing I plan to indulge in that brings in the outside world, is this little old blog.  It's a big, scary, cold, hard world out there and for now I am letting go of it.  Letting God sort, control, handle and guide the things I should have let Him handle all along.  I know what He has called me to be and do, and that alone is what I intend to rest in for awhile.

It won't be long until life is rolling along again at its breakneck pace bringing it's share of blessing, surprises and grief, but for just a little while, I'm off the ride. I'm going to watch Christmas lights twinkle and sing Christmas songs, going to ring in the New Year with the silly hilarity of my giggling little women.

I'm going to seep my soul in the balm of what matters, and I'm not coming up for air until I've found my way again.

7 Quick Takes Friday - Edition 23

1. I didn't really mean to take a week off of blogging.  I sometimes get overwhelmed, overwhelmed with what's going on in my life and around my life that has direct ramifications for me.  There was a time not so long ago that things I wrote and thought out in words were used against my family in a devastating way, and so when life got crazy tough again, I closed it up, not even consciously, but I let fear dictate what I would and wouldn't say. I have been repeating to myself that "I won't be that person this time" but in an effort to not be that person, I think I tried to become no person, and that's really not an answer at all. I am me, and I have learned. I'm not going to let fear take my voice again.  But I also choose to let my voice be one that builds and not one that tears down.

2. This December has been a strange month for me emotionally. It's always one that has its highs and lows. We have two children with birthdays and our anniversary.  It also contains both my father's birthday and the anniversary of his death.  My sweet Nattie also has a birthday this month. Five birthdays without her rubbing in that I am six months older than her. It seems oddly empty.  We learned Thursday that a young man, Trent, from our Florida youth group was killed this week as well. Life and death seem so closely joined for me this month.  A time of birth and a shadow of mortality. The story of Christ. So sweet it burns.

3. We finally finished up school for the year. We have completed 101 out of 180 days required, and man-o-man am I ready for the break. Our Decembers are generally pretty school free but this year a family vacation in January means that we won't start back until the 15th, so we stayed in school longer this year. I don't even start to understand how people who hold a job and have their kids in umpty-million activities even survive this month. We have neither and it is has felt crazy busy and hectic.  Just completing school was a challenge. I'm glad to have some time to breathe.

4. If you follow me on Google Plus you will already have heard this "story" but we've been having quite the rodent adventure here at Chez Portwood.  Sunday we discovered signs that we had at least one mouse in the house. He's been sampling both the dog food and the cereal, oddly the dog food seems more popular. I think that snap traps and glue traps are insanely cruel and disgusting, and even worse is the thought of poisoning the mouse and him dying and rotting somewhere in my house where I can smell him but not find him (I seriously almost vomit just thinking about that--ugh!). So we loaded ourselves up with a few live traps, and in the last twenty-four hours have been rewarded with two captures! Apparently peanut butter trumps dog food and cereal.  We've been taking the little creatures to the airport field at the far end of the road (our house is surrounded on three sides by water, ain't no way those rascals aren't coming back in if we free them here!).  The girls think the release process is hysterical ( "We didn't know mice leaped!" ), and hopefully they are learning that you don't have to kill things to prove you are the dominant species.

5. We're singing this version of this song on Sunday.  I get to stand in front of the drums.  This means I get to sing very, very loud. I love when that happens. I tend to have an overpowering voice, there aren't many times I get to sing full bore. It's my favorite. 

6. I actually have a plan for blogging this week (you may remember, I do better with a plan).  I'll be talking about next year's theme, some goals, what I didn't do this year that I hoped to accomplish, and why.  What I did accomplish and why it brings me joy. I realize this isn't the type of blogging that floats everyone's boat, but it is very good for me to publicly evaluate my year. It makes me more honest and less likely to justify, and it provides a level of accountability. So if that sort of thing is what interests you, then be sure to stop back by.

7. Today is the first day in several weeks that I have absolutely nothing that I  must do. I love when that happens. I hope to be puttery and restful all the day. I will also spend time icing my ankle since I decided to turn it yesterday and now it's many lovely shades of green and purple. I'm hoping to be able to run on it again tomorrow so ice, ace and elevation will be my friends today. There's yarn and House reruns to watch. Laundry to do, books to read, and a little sorting and purging to finish. All in all, a good, summery warm day in December!

Sunday Salon Ed. 3

This is week in which I was very glad to have a good book to escape into. I even broke my own rule Friday and started book when I hadn't finished the one I was reading. Luckily I devoured that book in one day, went back to the original and finished it today as well. All in all, a good book week.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery  - DNF- This book took the world record in time alloted to try it out. Ten pages was more than I could stand and back to the library she went. Perhaps it would have had more time if my brain hadn't already felt heavy, but I doubt it. Sometimes you just have to be unafraid to say, "Let's pretend this never happened."  I am sorry if you are reading this and loved the book. I didn't, and I moved on.

See you in A Hundred Years by Logan Ward - When I grabbed this book I was reminded of the premise of Better Off, a book I highly recommend.  I was happy with my choice since this book was readable, amusing, interesting and definitely made me appreciate hot water and my oven. I have often thought I would enjoy living in Little House on the Prairie times, but this book set a few decades after that even, pretty much swayed me of that idea.  I'll stick to my tiny house obsession complete with electricity and running water, thank-you-very-much.  However, it was fun, educational read and brought me back around again to the concept of community which seems to be a recurring theme in my life this year.

A Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs - I have been intrigued by this book for some time but was always reluctant to read it for fear that author would be belittling or insulting of something that I hold quite sacred. But a friend assured me that I wouldn't find that, and I have to say that what I feared was the furthest experience possible from what I read.  I loved Mr. Jacobs honesty, his integrity and how respectfully he handled some of the things he found the most difficult to understand or agree with. In fact for an agnostic New Yorker of Jewish descent, we had many more similarities in our experiences in wrestling with God and the Bible, than we had differences.  I plan to check out his book Know It All some time in the future since the idea of reading the encyclopedia cover to cover has a bit of sadistic appeal to be as well.

The Peach Keeper by Sarah Addison Allen - This is the book that caused me to break my rule on Friday. I needed some serious escapism and fun, and Allen's books always provide just that. I did enjoy the Peach Keeper, but I did find it a bit formulaic and not as mystically fun as her other books have been.  The story felt a little rushed and undeveloped, almost as though there were too many ideas and characters to fit into the story line allotted. That isn't to say it was bad; it simply isn't my favorite of hers. But it did provide what I wanted it to, which was a story to pull me in and entertain me without a lot of thinking involved, which is exactly the reason I picked it up.

The One Who Started it All

 This is my Lindsay. Fourteen years ago this day she changed my life irrevocably forever. When she was born, I proclaimed this as her life verse: We prayed for this child and the Lord has given us what we asked of him.  The verse is from 1 Samuel and it is Hannah's response to God for granting her the gift of a child. In return, she dedicates her son to the Lord, and he becomes a mighty man of God. Lindsay is the child I mourned one afternoon crumpled on the floor of my apartment after having been told the poison that had been dripping into my veins would render me infertile, that in fact, infertility was the goal.  She is the child that led me to refuse to follow

 my doctor's advice and continue on that chemo regimen. She is the child that drove me to my knees in a tile bathroom upon discovering she had actually taken up residence in my toxic womb during my final round of chemo.
She represents a ferocity of hope and faith I never knew was in me until she kindled. Raising her is one of my great joys and a privilege I cannot earn nor fathom.
She is growing so fast and fierce that most often, even when she's looking right in my eyes, when I am holding her tightly or giggling at one of her silly jokes, what I see is what is in these pictures. My

growing girl is beginning to make her own way in this world. As she should. As I am bound to help her do.  It is this that cuts the deepest, that not only must I let her walk away, but that I must help provide the means, and even the doors through which she walks.
The God whose power and love brought her to us has a purpose for her that is mighty and beautiful. He sings it over her, and I watch as she hears it and begins to make it her own, entirely hers, and not mine.
It is bittersweet this journey we are taking for I would hold her close and keep her always safe, but instead I must hold her close and still have the strength to let her go.

We Need a Little Christmas! Right this Very Minute! Seven Quick Takes: Edition 22

1. Today is my beautiful daughter's fourteenth birthday which means two things: first you will want to come back later for a blog I will write about her amazing utter coolness, and second, I will spend parts of today intermittently curled into the fetal position begging God to please stop time from moving forward so doggone fast. How the heck do I have a fourteen year old? 

2. My Mom left this morning after wishing the birthday girl a happy, happy day.  It really was a short trip as far as visits with my Mom go. She was here about two days so we tried to pack as much in as we possibly could. Which means that Mom got a good introduction to Milledgeville life when we went to take a trolley tour and the driver was a no show and then our tour of the Governor's mansion was delayed because the tour guide had to help someone in the gift shop for a few minutes. I just have to laugh it off. And the Governor's mansion tour was worth the wait...absolutely breathtaking! I will be doing that again. Also, our tour guide made me want to become even more geekily knowledgeable about history. Like I want to start taking college classes geeky. I'm hopeless.

3. I feel like the last two weeks have gone by so fast I have barely had time to experience them. I've decided to pull in as much as I can this weekend, which isn't a ton, but I will take whatever I can get.  I also MUST MUST MUST MUST do some online Christmas shopping this weekend because in case you didn't know, Christmas is in two weeks and we are soooo not ready.

4. This week we updates our will and converted it to a living trust. This means no matter what happens to Hunky and I in the future, the state cannot put it's hands on whatever assets we may have. It all goes straight to the beneficiaries. I'm quite happy to have it done, and to be one of only two people who has any say over the control of what we've worked for. If you know me at all, you know I am not one to want any sort of government involvement where it doesn't belong. Probate would be just such an intrusion. Next stop, shopping for life insurance. I swear, I'm growing up.

5. My seventeenth wedding anniversary is coming up. I've been thinking so much about marriage lately. How we survive it, fight for, become defined by it, sometimes fight against it, rely on it.  I find myself once again thankful for the cancer so early on in mine that managed to take our relationship and begin a refining process that is still underway, but which, I believe, we're getting better at all the time. This fall has been rough for us, not relationally with each other, but finding ways to stay strong and insulate ourselves from things, people, ministry and relationships outside the marriage that would ultimate weaken and corrode.  I've been thinking about it a lot in the way it reflects Christ's relationship with His own bride, the church. It convicts me that however good a wife as I may perceive myself to be, there is still so much room for growth if I want to accurately reflect that.

6. Sometimes it feels very difficult to come up with seven random things to talk about...I guess I don't lead a life that is terribly riveting. Heh.

7. Next week we start our final push to really get ready for Christmas. It is our last week of school before we break until Mid-January.  I am going to do a final sweep and purge of the house for this year, room by room.  This girls and Hunky are in the live nativity. It seems busy, but then I realize how many things we aren't doing (life group, Wednesday church, science class, etc.), and that makes it all seem a bit more doable. I'm pretty sure there will be a great deal of Christmas music, and a lot of family dinners. These are things that make me happy. I'm putting on my happy pants and planning to enjoy the rest of the month!

Currently...

Currently, we are enjoying a visit from my Mom.  The weather today was horrible so we shopped, ate ice cream (twice!), made pizza and played 340,958,673,409 card games.

We remembered that yesterday was my Dad's birthday.

We made Greek Pizza. It was amazingly delicious.

We had our first experience with phyllo dough.  That stuff is weird.

We commented at least forty times each that the girls are getting way too big.

We watched big planes landing over the lake under the brilliant moon. In the cold. The very, very cold.

We talked about books, and brothers and helping people, and wills and Spring Break plans and Christmas lists, and turkey brining and saving money on gas. You know, the really important things.

We argue over what temperature to set the thermostat.

My kids stay up too late, like they are right now...eating their second bowl of ice cream.

These are the important things this week. I'm making sure to take the time to really live them all.
I hope you'll be forgiving of my sporadic blogging at this time.

And May All Your Christmas-es be White

I don't think I can blog today. My brain is having trouble forming coherent thought. I think it's because I broke my hiney during weight training (the standing up/ sitting down part of my derriere, not anything more personal--not that that isn't very personal).

Don't ask me how not forming a coherent thought and a broken bumper go together. I think it's mostly just the rather gruesome anticipation that momentarily I WILL get up from this chair, and that moment, is not going to be fun.

We had Christmas Dinner potluck for twenty-five people here yesterday. It was a disgusting display of gluttony and festivity by our life group, but fortunately we encouraged either by discussing man toilets (this was before I broke my posterior so I do not take responsibility) and great television shows of the eighties (I am coherent enough to recognize that is an oxymoron...no comment about morons, please). We all laughed very, very hard, and I think we all needed it.  To be fair, we did discuss the actual topics as well.

Today God showed off big time with a $5 stuffed panda bear and if I could form a coherent thought, that is what my blog would be about, but I can't. So I am not divulging anymore of the story because I plan to be fixed head to rear tomorrow and form coherent thought.

Although my mom is coming, so I'm not making that a rock solid promise.

Also, I love aleve.

I think I gave up on a book in the shortest time ever today.  I read the first ten pages of The Elegance of a Hedgehog, and I just said, "No."  Look I am a complete and total word nerd and no one loves to throw out erudite and esoteric words more than I. But too many big words in one sentence just makes the whole experience a vocabulary slogfest of pretension.  I kind of want a shower now. Or as the character in the book would say, "Perchance it is expected of a concierge to spasmodically lave oneself blah blah blah blah snoooooooooooore"

I can have strong opinions.

And I now suffer from book malaise.  BUT BUT BUT The Peach Keeper is waiting for me at the library. I also picked up a little something that may cause me to have trashy book guilt if I love it (I have trashy book guilt anytime I read Charlaine Harris) so that book shall remain nameless for now.

I mentioned that it's going to hurt when I get up, yes? Yes.
Just in case you hear the whimper when I end this...you'll know why.
I have to go find a book that satisfies now.

I'm bookless in the 'ville.  Bookless and broken.
First World Problems.
Tragic.

Sunday Salon: Edition 2

This week was both oddly busy and yet provided quite a bit of time to read, a situation with which I am never sorry. I completed three books (Again, one at a time. I'm really rather liking this method) all of which I found simply fabulous. It is possible I will finish one more this evening, but I am not done with it yet so I won't speak of it here,

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard - Very occasionally I come across a book and wonder how I survived as long as I have without having already read this book. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek is just such a book.  I don't think it hurts that I have finally decided to abandon all pretense of coolness or decorum and lie on the ground to look at bugs, spend hours feeding fish stale bread in hopes of seeing "the big one" (Incidentally, I have, and he is amazing. And if I see you on my dock with a fishing pole, I will shoot you with my .38 out of respect for my fish friends).  I comb my bird books; hang out with binoculars. I observe and enjoy and am continually mystified by nature. Sometimes it's so amazing I can hardly stand it.  Annie Dillard write of wonder and minutiae, nature and mystery, and glory in the humblest of creatures in her wonderful collection of essays.  Perhaps it is because I am a snake lover and amoeba wonderer that I enjoyed the book so well.  I do not think it is one the will be universally loved or received, but for me it a glorious exploration of the vast and minute, what is unfathomable and what is invisible mesh to become a story of glorious inter-connectivity. I couldn't recommend it more highly.

One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey by Sam Keith and Richard Proenneke   - My friend Pattie moved to Alaska in August, and since then I have stalked her life with pretty intense curiosity. I want to know about her hours of daylight, average temperatures, snowfall, wildlife and lifestyle.  I'm glad she doesn't tire of my near constant questions because I simple can't help myself. When I came across this book compiled of journal entries of one man's sixteen month stay in his hand built cabin in the Alaskan wilderness, there was no way I was going home without it. Richard Proeneke does what I sometimes dream of doing: he walked away from society (not out of disgust but out of a sense of adventure) and moved into the Alaskan wilderness, relying on his skills (which are considerable) and his ability to adapt and care for himself. His only connection to the outside world are intermittent visits from a bush-plane pilot who flies packages, letters, supplies and news in from the outside world every few months.  Richard is both thoughtful and precise.  His journal speaks of clarity of vision, simplicity and appreciation for his own personal skills, and the beauty of the natural world. A quick read, I finished the book in a couple afternoons.  I was spellbound by the pictures and found myself even more inclined to stalk my friend for the rest of her stay in Alaska. Sorry, Pattie.

The Education of Little Tree by Forrest Carter - It wasn't until after I read this book that I realized the incredible amount of controversy surrounding the book (which I leave you and google to explore because I am not in the habit of judging motives or design, I'm just reading books here).  Of all the books I picked up on my little artist outing, this seemed the least likely to actually be read before the time came to turn it back in. But I picked it up to give a go anyway, and I am pleased I did. For all the controversy surrounding it, I found it to be a delightful coming of age story of a half-Native American boy in a time of extreme poverty and discrimination.  It is simply written and without artifice as it is meant to be from the viewpoint of a very young narrator. I found the characters to be believable and beautiful, and the story was compelling.  I would read the book again.  

Saturday Review: Edition 5

I started doing Saturday reviews in October, and I like them (though right now I am fighting the discipline of sitting here writing a review with mental tooth and nail, all the more reason to get the thing done!), but I became a bit of a slacker in actually putting words on paper and writing them down. I do better with words on paper (or in this case words on computer screen...but you get my drift).  (There are a lot of parenthetical comments in this opening aren't there?).  To some extent my morning pages have helped me track my thoughts, goals and plans, but they aren't very organized or very conducive to going back and finding things I have thought about or even listed because they are so very stream of consciousness and many times all three pages are written without breaks.  So I am back to doing things the old fashioned way: I'm blogging them.

Highlights from the week:

• Sunday was our last day of laziness for Thanksgiving.  We hung out in our jammies and ate pizza. Excellent.
• Monday brought in the first real winter weather. It was cold, dark, rainy and wonderful, AND the tree came down from the attic which meant it was time to...
• Tuesday... trim the tree!!  We had a little help from some friends.
• Wednesday I browsed the library and checked out a slew of books that I am now ear deep into reading and so far loving every one
• Thursday we celebrated beautiful Bailey's thirteenth birthday! 
• Friday we spent the entire day with our tree trimming friends, and a lovely day it was
• Today I cleaned all the things in preparation for our small group Christmas Dinner potluck tomorrow. 

It amuses me to read this; I lead such a riveting life, and yet, I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

What went wrong

• I'm realizing that 100 Days of Running isn't going to be a benefit to me much longer. I am going to continue daily runs for two more weeks (taking me to fifty days) then I am going to switch to a run every other day.  Not resting my body is robbing me of my ability to push farther. I will continue at least 50 more runs with one day break in between. I'll be deciding what I will do on off-days that allows my stamina to restore while still training. This is where being married to a former AT,C comes in handy.
• I'm still not getting enough sleep.  I haven't been able to stay at 7 hours a night. The girls are saying they are tired often too. May move their bedtime, and thus my bedtime up about fifteen minutes and see how that flows.
• Still spending too much time wasting time online, but it's been getting slowly better

What went right

• Consistent exercise...we're considering this a habit formed. Now to continue with the discipline to maintain.
• Two more bookcases purged. One more cabinet needs to move out and I think I will finally be done moving furniture. It's almost time to revisit the closet and see what items in there haven't been worn since I did a radical clearing six weeks ago. If it hasn't been worn in six weeks, it's time to evaluate why I am keeping it.
• Bailey had a great birthday! She loved all her gifts immensely. I'm always so glad when they feel special and loved (and not just because of gifts) at the end of their special day. And she did.
• Finished three books this week. One at a time.
• Ended November with twenty-three blogs for the month. Two months of very consistent blogging? We're calling it a habit! Woot!

What I hope to Accomplish Next

• I was very intrigued by this article about habits and realized that there are many little things I could be/ should be doing and habit forming is the answer. So I came up with four habits that I am going to create this month

1. Consistent Bible reading.  I have really stunk at this since daily running and morning pages. While the sunrise is still getting later (for only eighteen more days!), I will read for thirty minutes before it gets light enough to run, then running and morning pages AFTER I run. All this week I did morning pages after the run and it was a bit better than rushing to get them in before I had to leave.
2. Flossing. It's silly but I don't do it well or consistently. However, I always brush my teeth before I run (don't ask why, I just do) so I am flossing after that.
3. Daily vitamins - it's a hit or miss practice for me, though more often than not I get them in. Vitamins right after breakfast and my extra dose of calcium right before bed.
4. Weight lifting - I've added some weight training in every day after my run. Run, weights, shower.  It's been working.

• I must get some Christmas shopping  finished  this week. We were so good being on top of birthdays that I don't want to get lazy now and be frantic closer to Christmas. This week I could even potentially finish up for the girls. I think that will be my goal.

Five Minute Friday: Tired

Ok. I don't want anyone to freak out or anything, but I am, indeed, blogging a second time today. I ran across this little idea during the 31 Days of Change but wasn't intrigued enough, apparently, to join in. Today, I am intrigued enough to try it. And so I shall. You can read more about the concept and previous entries at Gypsy Momma .

Tired


Go


This evening I am pondering two very different kinds of tired. Today began with a near frozen, fog shrouded two mile run in the barely dawn light. It was silent, dripping and strangely glowing as I ran around the point and stared into the swirling clouds over the water. My legs were tired, my body was tired, and it was barely dawn.

A mere hour later we were packing lunches, grabbing jackets and heading out the door to drive an hour and half to Atlanta to hang at the zoo with friends all day. The animals were frisky, the children ecstatic and I had Hunky's superior camera.  The blue sky stretched overhead. Wonder and possibility seemed almost as limitless. As hours dragged and bodies again grew weary, we were loathe to walk away from the beauty and variety of God's amazing creativity.

It was after dark when we arrived home. We dragged in tired, but filled with the good things the day had held, a strength for our marrow, and encouragement for our souls.

This type of tired, the tired of a day well lived and thoroughly enjoyed.  The satiation of family, relationships, joy and care, this is the kind of tired in which the soul sleeps fully satisfied.

I have felt tired often lately, but not this kind of well earned tired: the tiredness of frustration, of problems with solutions that will be difficult and possibly painful to pursue, the weight of patience and persistence can be wearing on mind and body.

Tired.

I'm grateful today for the tiredness of rich, full life. The problems remain, but their burden doesn't weary me this day.

Stop


If you would like to join in 5 Minute Friday, click the link above, set your timer and start timing. Time to put this tired body to bed.

Holly Jolly! Seven Quick Takes Ed 21

1. Today we are going to the zoo, zoo, zoo! I love the zoo! It makes me reminiscent of our birthday trips to Sea World which we did every year in Florida. Granted, there won't be Shamu, or the Polar  Express, or a live saxophone player, but at Sea World we didn't have Kayla and Lily to enjoy the experience with (and I get to have Windy, which is a never-ending understated surprise snark adventure.) I'm not positive, but I think there will be a stop over at the world's coolest DQ in Monticello on the way home.
2. This week I passed the 1/4 mark in my 100 Days of Running quest.  I am enjoying (mostly--when I'm not griping all the way out the door) the discipline and definitely seeing some physical changes. I am finding out that apparently women my age do better as far as distance running with a day of rest in between runs. I am not able to consistently get good longer runs in because my muscles are tired. I'm considering getting to 50 days and then going to an every other day run plan (with 50 more runs, meaning a total of 100 more days.) and cross training between so I can stop being so frustrated with my lack of progress. It's something I am just considering. And since I get to make the rules about what works best for me, I still consider it a success.
3. The Birthday Girl was absolutely delighted with the birthday haul yesterday. Amongst other things she got Rick Riorden's Son of Neptune ( I am indeed too lazy to link that ) which she promptly opened and began to read, stopping only once to rub in that she gets to read it first. 
4. I checked out a ridiculous number of books out of the library the other day, and I am completely excited about every last one of them.  Just in case you can't stand the suspense, here is the list:
     The Education of Little Tree by Forrest Carter 
One Man's Wilderness by Sam Keith  The Elegance of a Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery
Alone Together: Why we expect more from technology and less from each other by Sherry Turkle
The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
The Secret Life of Birds by Pierre Gingas
Sailing the Wine dark Sea: Why the Greeks Matter by Thomas Cahill
See you in a Hundred Years by Logan Ward
A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson

I already finished one, and am about half way through a second, which is a good thing since I have been a little happy with the holds lately and have another three waiting for me to pick them up. AND I am only reading one. book. at. a. time.  I'll be talking about the ones I finish every Sunday if you want to check back then.

    5.   This picture cracks me up.  It's a minimalist nativity scene:

   6.  I know I put the list blog to bed several months ago. I am  thinking about resurrecting it. I've been keeping lots of lists on paper lately. Like the book list up there, sometimes people want to see my lists. Because listy people tend to attract other listy people. And if you aren't a listy people, you certainly wouldn't be obligated to play. It's just something I am mulling, among sooooooo many other things.

 7. I'm glad I have so many good, silly, and personal growth things to think about and blog about. We are in the middle of some difficult life and personal struggles that are plenty heavy. We're also praying for some deeply wounded loved ones and this is just a heavy and harried time of year in general for ministry. It's good to focus on the blessing and not be bogged down in the things that only Emmanuel can change, and is changing while He is here with us.

See What He has Wrought: Then there were Two

Beautiful Bailey on Halloween this year

I think there are not many people who haven't heard the story of our first born, the child conceived during chemo, the one everyone told us to abort lest I die, she die and the entire world implode upon itself (ok that last may be an exaggeration, but sometimes it did seem the doctor's were that dire), but to me even more amazing and amusing is the story of my second child.  If her older sister was God telling the universe that He didn't really care what any doctor said about who would live, who would die, and who was in control of it, then Bailey's story is that of His extravagant profligacy.

Her's is the story of learning what it means to turn everything over, give everything up and absolutely abandon whatever plans you had over to the One who does it bigger, better and more fantastically than you ever dreamed.  There's not a way to prepare for a positive pregnancy test when you have a child who is only six weeks old, who would be born before her older sister turned one, who would spend the first six weeks of her life being the source of comfort and joy during our hardest Christmas season.  Because of Bailey, I gave up my plans, my career, my sanity (on occasion) and my very small expectations of who God is and what He will do.  She is the reason I stopped comparing my children and my family to anyone else, stopped putting people in boxes and stopped trying to explain why any child does anything...ever. I've answered a million why's about her and the answer has always been, "Because she is Bailey."

So much of who she is and how she embraces life is what I aspire to be. She loves deeply and without reservation. She is innocent and kind. She fully embraces every moment of life and is completely unself-conscious. She would rather hang out with people she loves than do anything else on the planet. Her excitement is contagious and her deep blue eyes are the reason we will likely have to shoot a young man in the future. She is also the reason we give serious consideration to the concept of arranged marriage. She changed my life in ways I never even dreamed, and made me the better person, woman and parent because of it.

Happy Birthday, Bailey Boo. But this really is the LAST ONE. I draw the line at thirteen.