Guilty Peace

I experienced a new and interesting feeling last night.  I have the privilege of  being part of what, I believe, is going to be an absolutely earth shattering Bible study at our home congregation. Because we were out of town last week, the first week of meeting together, and because we had such a larger response than we imagined, it was my first time with the group, and for many of them, their first time together. We spent a few minutes introducing ourselves and saying whatever came to mind to share, and so many of them shared and commiserated about how hectic, crazy, difficult and stressful their schedules are.

Now don't get me wrong, there was plenty yesterday that I felt ill-prepared for.  And I certainly have my days where I think I may just pull my hair out by the roots, but by and large, that is not the pattern of my life.

And for just a moment I looked quietly around the room and thought, "Maybe I'm just not doing enough. Maybe, I'm doing something wrong."

Is that crazy or what?

Now please don't get me wrong, I realize that in a world of two job families with full time children, after school activities, continuing education and all the other things that are, if not necessary, certainly normal, that I lead a fairly idyllic existence.  I don't work outside my home. That's absolutely not an option for some people. I do understand that.

But I find it fairly crazy of me to think that because I just don't have that kind of stress, I might be doing something wrong. Is that part of the disease that's robbing our culture or relational depth and personal fulfillment?  Are we trading intimacy, peace and simply sitting still for fear of what people might think if they knew that I was glad hunky took the car today so I could spend the day reading, studying and cooking while wearing my jammies and my kids played outside?  And why is there something in me that feels the need to justify that last sentence with the list of things I actually did accomplish lest anyone think I am actually lazy?

I simply find it interesting that sometimes my desire to fit in (because I often feel like I don't fit in in so many ways--but that is a blog for another time, and certainly a perception I impose on myself and not one steeped in Truth or reality) will so completely and without warning override principles and priorities that I know are right for me today.  That life changes that I have worked and sacrificed to make suddenly seem "less than" in comparison.

We're sometimes a very odd group, we who make up mankind.  I certainly am no different in that regard.


ang klocke said...

This makes sense to me. I mean, I do have an outside job (but also older children), but I've rarely in all these years been the type to work a 40+ Mon-Fri 9-5 job. And that often means I don't fit the ... what? ... the idea of the 2012 mom/wife model. Not to say life isn't hectic all the same, and I add to it often all by myself, but I am still different. Maybe even lazy and unfocused in the eyes of some. But I am happy with it all the same. Works for ME!

Dana Portwood said...

I think that's what it is all about AGK. I definitely THRIVE in a very slow pace. And that doesn't mean that *I* personally am slow, but to have too much input or stimulus or areas of focus at once makes me flustered and angry and then I shut down. I think it's GOOD to know our healthy limits and do our best to function within them.
And like you-- I am NEVER going to fit the 2012 model woman.