This, not that

God gave me a little reminder yesterday.  We've been working together pretty diligently for the last eighteen months on the healthy recovery of My Life's Great Undoing (the '09 version).  At times it's been an extremely painful process --as in being awake while a surgeon cuts out necrotic tissue type painful.

It's one thing to have people tell lies about you.

It's entirely another to have them tell truth about you.
And for those truths to be so heinous that you are proven beyond redemption.
Cut out; cast off
Reviled and revolting.

Those wounds go deep, deep, deep. And for every layer of healing, there is often an underlying infection of bitterness that will work it's way out over time.  Until it is excised and healthy flesh again fills in.

To begin with, we worked on me really facing my own sin issues in the matter.
I don't ever want to have to do that at that level again.
Thank God for repentance, and grace. Oh the grace.
I drown in it daily.

Then we began to work on forgiveness.
Again, difficult.
So very difficult if I let myself weigh (by worldly standards) the behaviors that were forgiven after we were thrown away. If I let myself do that, the bitterness begins to grow.
And it's putting faith in a lie.
Sin is sin is sin is sin. Mine no better and no worse.
We've moved slowly but surely from wishing ill and harm; to just not thinking about "those people" at all, to actually praying for them (some more than others--let's be honest) and wishing them well.

I've burned a lot of bridges.
God and I have spent a lot of time working through the possibility of rebuilding them, but I truly believe, and gratefully so, that I am not called to pick up again what has been well and truly let go.
For now, anyway.

I still, however, still have a very bad (and deceitful) mind set that I need to earn people's approval. That I need to act a certain way to be liked, to be worth keeping around, to be approved.

This is my deepest wound.
Because I can truly say that Nothing
No one
Hurt me the way I was hurt that day.
Not cancer- which is no respecter of persons
Not death - which comes to us all

I never ever have been so devastated, and I never EVER want to be wounded like that again.
So I guard.
I protect.
I perform.

And really, it's just time to stop all that. Because the truth is, God doesn't just love me.

He likes me.
In fact, He can't get enough of me.
He adores me!

My life was sifted not because He was angry, but because we have places to GO! and in order to get there, things had to be removed.
Sin goes deeper than cancer, and I know what it takes to get rid of cancer, so the fact that this sin mess took  about three times as long...that practically makes me a genius!

He likes me.
I am not what I have done in the past.
You know, I knew it. I know it, but I don't think I had breathed it in and made it part of me in a very long time. It was time to be reminded, but good.

He met me
and held me
and told me that I am the very apple of His eye
Because He knew what I would choose to do, and He chose me anyway, because He simply couldn't stand that eternity would happen without me in it.

That's some serious like.

And it's a little hard to fathom because ..well...you just read it.
But we're working on it.

I really think this is going to be the good part.

Good golly I hope so.
Because I DO NOT EVER want to have to relearn these particular lessons again.


MJV said...

That Lover of Our Souls is really something, isn't He? What He won't do for us...even the stuff we kinda wish He wouldn't.

Windy McKenzie said...

This "I still, however, still have a very bad (and deceitful) mind set that I need to earn people's approval. That I need to act a certain way to be liked, to be worth keeping around, to be approved." I have spent a long time thinking I was the only person who really, I mean really, did that. And we're working on it, too.

lakecrestgirl said...

You are SO worth having around.
THIS and not a THAT. Truth.
For me, for you, for all.

Aisling Beatha said...

Oh Windy you are So NOT the only one, trust me!

Nancy Dodson said...

This touches my heart deeply right now, my sister. I've been on both ends: the guilty and the judging. God is moving in big ways right now...

Lifes A Dance said...

love this. FYI I emailed you my address :) finally

Sara said...

*wee little sobs* This touched me so deeply, Dana. Yes. That is some serious like.

Dana Portwood said...

He never stops amazing me with the depth of the riches He pours into my life!

Dana Portwood said...

I echo Zoe. SOOOOOOOOOOOO not the only one!

Dana Portwood said...

Thank you!

Dana Portwood said...

He is here too - sometimes it's as hard as it is joyful

Dana Portwood said...

Love you, sara!

Dana Portwood said...

I got it! Now to actually get those letters in the mail.