You might not have guessed this, but I spent most of February at a loss for words.
My forty day internet fast ended March 1st and since then I have spent some time online, but overall, not very much. I haven't yet entered back into reading blogs (there will be some trimming in that arena as well). I'm not social networking and I turned most of my email off, so unless I'm watching for the wicked witch of the west to fly by on the radar, there isn't really a great deal of reason to be online anyway.
Except for blogging.
I think I am ready to step back into that as well...though I have to admit even now that making that statement is a leap of faith because I still rather feel at a loss for words.
If I have learned anything over the last forty days it is this: sometimes you are Daniel. You're in the lion's den because everything and everyone you know has turned away, and even those who haven't are powerless to stop what must occur. Sometimes you're at the bottom of the pit watching the stone rolling over the last bits of light and hoping beyond all hope that it isn't really the last poor lion snack's femur you are standing on.
Yes, sometimes you are Daniel.
Then there are other times. Times like the last weeks have been.
The times that you are the lion.
Have you ever thought about that night from the lion's point of view? Here they are hungry, angry, confined, confused and at last, at last it's the dinner bell sound of voices and the grate of stone on stone.
Don't you think their pulses quickened?
Don't you think they crouched ready in the darkness for the moment dinner fell from above?
Don't you think that every natural instinct they ever had was screaming "EAT EAT EAT EAT!"
Not because they were evil or vicious, but because they were lions and the only thing they knew to do was act lion-y (unfortunately for us, lion-y never ends nicely for we wimpy two-legged folk).
And then, just when the anticipation reached it's peak. Just when the nose was filled with the scent of dinner and the muscles had tensed to just the perfect tautness...
Mouths closed. Bellies sated. Muscles relaxed.
There may have even been some purring.
God's funny like that. He's not afraid to step in in the most unexpected way because He just isn't done working things out yet, and just because it's beyond the understanding of lions, doesn't mean He's going to allow their open mouths to muck up a perfectly divine plan.
Yes, sometimes I too am very lion-y.
Because I have been known in my time to let my open mouth try and step in and take some control over a very Divine plan.
Not because I am mean or cruel, but because it's my nature...to speak out for what I may see as wrong, or unjust, or maybe just because I feel like my feelings ought to be known ( You don't have to point out to me the pridefulness of that last sentence, believe you me.).
I could say I wish that God had stepped in on other occasions, except that sometimes you have to eat crow to gain some real wisdom, and maybe just this once, I've got a toehold on a tiny piece of wisdom at last because this time when God stepped in and said,
"Child, shut your mouth."
I was for once in my life, more than happy to do just that.
There may have even been purring.
I don't know much about most things any more. I pray a great deal, and listen a great deal more. I'd love to say I gained great insight and wisdom in my time away, but alas, only the tiniest piece that hasn't had much practice...yet.
I did gain a great deal of freedom, but that may be a post better left for another day when lions aren't part of the picture.
It's good to be back, even if I am not sure what in the world to say.