I like to pretend sometimes that I can control many things. I make plans and write lists so that I have a well-defined path with set markers and boundaries to guide me to my desired destination. I love to cross things off one by one as I get closer to my goal. Sometimes I'll even add things that weren't on the list but got done anyway just so that I can have the satisfaction of crossing them off, and maybe just a little bit because then it looks like I never deviated from the plan to begin with.
I realize that this control is in fact quite minuscule and not actually any form of control at all. If a large poisonous snake were to suddenly drop from the light fixture and bite me on the ear lobe bringing me a sudden and senseless death, I wouldn't be able to stop it. It wouldn't be on my list and all those things I hoped to accomplish would be left uncrossed-off for eternity (unless my Hunky who really does love me and even "gets" my crazy were to cross them off for me as a final act of his undying love. It could happen. Especially if I add it to the end of the list every day from now on: "Tell Hunky to cross off all uncrossed items in case of unforeseen death by ceiling viper.") This, folks, is my unvarnished crazy. Feel free to run away at any time.
Even though I realize that it definitely has an edge of insanity, I still can't help but fall back on the reliable "list" when things feel scary and way out of my control. This is probably why I decided today, yet again, to make a 100 Fun Things for Summer list. You know I have never successfully completed all 100 things, but each year it lends a lot of fun, some goals (which I do well with), and some direction to a time that can be rather aimless if I let it. I think the recent events life has dealt me means that I need a bit of directional discipline and a bit of the glamour of control.
Tomorrow I have a day with no appointments, and no car to take me there if I did, so I will be making a list, and transferring that list to a page here on the old blog. Be looking for it, and feel free to join me with your own lists. Make them as long or as short as you want. We'll try not to worry to much about vipers and uncrossed out items. Though I make no promises that I won't add the last item for Hunky at the bottom of the page.