9.29.2012

New Things:31 Days Preview

There was a time, not so long ago, that I had three children in two and a half years. Yes, we know how that happens. While my children were still very little I was having some health issues which resulted in a number of tests. When you are a cancer survivor, if you burp and hiccup twice and  tell a doctor, he will order a battery of tests; there is no small problem after cancer.  One of those tests was a series of X-rays of my kidneys functioning. My kidneys turned out to be fine, but in the x-rays, very prominently, was an ominous shadow on my pelvic bone. When you are a cancer survivor, ominous shadows on bones are the thing that keep you awake at night, break you out in a cold sweat, the thing you bargain against in prayer.

In other words, it's a very big, very scary deal.

In response to the doctor telling me he was ordering another round of tests, this time the familiar ones: bone scans, PET, and CT, I did the only thing I was mentally able to do. I went home, crawled in my bed, and stayed there for two days.  When I got up, I pretended like nothing was wrong. I shut all the nightmares away in a deep dark hole, covered the hole in a ton of dirt, poured concrete over the dirt, put a mountain on top of the concrete.  Only when it was absolutely necessary did I use the security peep hole I left to peek in and make sure the nightmares were dying.

The shadow turned out to be nothing, a worn spot on my iliac crest from carrying babies on my hip for a constant 2.5 years.

But I knew then and I know now, that those shadowy areas are just as likely to be the monsters as not, and sometimes you deal with monsters the best way you know how, even if it doesn't seem very glamorous or brave.

This summer brought it's own monsters (here and here).  Again I found myself dealing with them in the best way I could. I medicated with good friends, light books, a great deal of personal grace and very little self-discipline. It wasn't courageous or pretty, but it was what I had to do to survive.

A person can't live forever securing the deep holes where she hides her nightmares. There comes a time when you have to walk away and trust the locks will hold, or if they don't, then there was nothing that could keep them from escaping anyway and somehow you will find the grace and strength to deal with them when they come.  Eventually you have to straighten your back, throw back your shoulders and turn yourself to face the world again in all its beautiful, difficult reality.

It's time to try something new.

Last year I blogged thirty-one days on one topic. It was wonderful; it changed the way I think and the way I live. I'm not exaggerating.  I need some changes again: changes for joy, excitement, adventure.  I need some new things in my life after a summer of hiding from nightmares. I need a reason to seek them and some accountability. I need friends to walk with me.

In a season known for endings,I'm ready to start something new.


3 comments:

Pattie said...

Yay! :)

Leann Richardson said...

:) I will be reading.... I am also going to be reading your last year's posts from your 31 days because I never got to savor them at the time but I need to now. <3

Skipper said...

Yes!!!!